The Fifth Third Burger Is Really Why You’re Fat

For those of us who are tired of things like running without being winded or being able to glimpse one’s toes when looking down, there’s the “Fifth Third Burger” - a jumble of met, bread and condiments that is quite likely to be the most fattening and calorie-rich item to ever be sold at concession stands.

The burger is named for the bank that sponsors the West Michigan Whitecaps and contains several beef patties topped with lettuce and tomato.  And salsa. And sour cream. And chili. And Fritos. All nestled between two eight-inch sesame seed buns. 

The burgers sells for a whopping $20 but, says the team, it is meant to be shared among four people. Which means one person will get to it, while another is left with a piece of bread full of crushed Fritos, and two people will be left staring at the mound of chili and sour cream sitting atop their sneakers. If someone does happen to be able to finish the burger in one sitting, however, they win a T-shirt. So you can be sure to look spiffy when keeling over on your kitchen floor a few hours later.

We also suspect the burger may exist to prove that people are stupid. Take this bit of reasoning, courtesy of the team’s director of marketing:

Mickey Graham, the team’s director of marketing and media relations, told us that they came up with this burger because it’s something fun that people can understand.

The American people have little use for such highfalutin concepts as “nachos” or “pretzels.” But give us a burger made with Fritos and we can understand it and have fun.

But will people be able to understand that one Fifth Third Burger contains 4,889 calories, 299 grams of fat, 744mg of cholesterol, and 10,887mg of sodium? 

Minor League Concession Item Of The Year [CNBC]