America’s Healthiest Fast Food Restaurants: For People Too Lazy To Pour Cereal
10 March 2009, 5:15 PM. By Alex Alvarez
Love eating at fast food restaurants, but find yourself increasingly frustrated at the lack of healthy options served at places specializing in deep-fried hunks of beef smothered in layers of cheese and bacon? Then perhaps you can try some of these “healthy” fast food options. Or try moving to France, fucking traitor.
Health Magazine, a publication which sounds wholly made up, has compiled a comprehensive list of the healthiest fast food chain restaurants. The list includes plenty of delicious, wholesome dining options for coddled surburbanites unwilling to boil a pot of pasta:
1. Panera Bread: A sandwich shop commonly found nestled between Barnes & Nobles booksellers and fozen yoghurt places, a favorite among people who shop at the GAP and enjoy food items like artichokes and sun-dried tomatoes, only as long as they are prepared in the crappiest way possible. Some might secretly enjoy this restaurant because the name is reminiscent of “Pantera,” a band which rocked almost has hard as arugula with parmesan shavings.
2. Jason’s Deli: We’ve never heard of this.
3. Au Bon Pain: We enjoy any place where servers who have failed to receive their GED sigh and roll their eyes when we fail to immediately note the difference between a “Mocha Crumble Brownie” and a “Coffee-Crisp Brownie Deluxe.”
4. Noodles & Company: We like noodles, but are not so sure about company. Next!
5. Corner Bakery: We like bakeries that are round.
6. Chipotle Mexican Grill: We enjoy Mexican food as long as it tastes as unlike actual Mexican food as possible. Especially if it’s healthy enough to induce a coma / nosebleed.
7. Atlanta Bread Company: There are only so many generic and uncreative baked good establishments to which one can be loyal, and we’ve entered an alliance, of sorts, with “Macon Roll Corporation.” So we are unable and, frankly, unwilling to set foot on ABC’s turf.
8. McDonald’s: Tasty.
9. Einstein Bros. Bagel: We find this establishment to be patriarchal, stifling and offensive and will continue supporting Newton Sisters Donuts instead. Healthy, and womyn-friendly.
10. Taco Del Mar: We prefer eating our tacos on land. No offense.
Yummo! And healtho. Mmmm.
America’s healthiest fast-food restaurants [OCRegister]
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We have Jasons Deli out here in AZ. The sandwiches are good but waaay over-priced. At one time they were pretty reasonable on pricing but then they got too full of themselves. It’s all about Dillys Deli now.
That’s it! I am in fact moving to France, where I intend to subsist entirely on a diet of ortolan and gilded truffles.
I made the mistake of eating at Chipotle once. I walked out feeling like I had Octomom belly.
i like Chipotle, but the salsa ALWAYS gives me heartburn. even if i only have the pico.
Add Noodles & Company to the overpriced list too.
chipotle gives me gas… as well as mcd’s, i’d rather just not eat
In-n-Out baby.
Yeah I just heard a commercial for Jason’s Deli this morning on my way to work. Might just have to try it now, I had no idea we even had those out here.
And yes, if not for the resemblance to Pantera, I’d boycott Panera altogether. Their food is crap.