Happy Birthday Ivy Queen! Drop The Birthday Cake And Get Healthy With Michelle Obama, Why Don’t You?

March 4th marked our BFF Ivy Queen’s 65th 37th birthday and, when “Escandalo TV” asked how she kept such a youthful and well-preserved figure, Ivy explained she did it by complimenting herself, never working out, and eating fattening foods. Michelle Obama does not approve.

Watch as Ivy Queen explains her workout and diet routine. Oddly, we didn’t hear any mention of “copious amount of plastic surgery.” Strange, that:

Our First Lady would never condone such a lax attitude when it comes to nutrition and fitness. Michelle Obama recently helped out at a soup kitchen in DC, serving elitist rich-people food like mushroom risotto to The Poors and heralding the benefits of eating properly, no matter your income. Former First Lady Laura Bush has also insisted that only organic food be served in the White House, but Michelle has tried to take that one step further and claim that locally grown, fresh fruits and vegetables should be available to everyone, no matter how urine-soaked or disgusting.

Of course, sometimes people’s preoccupation with healthy food and weight can become a little bit fucking annoying, especially when it comes to kids. Take Michelle’s anecdote about Malia’s diet:

A couple of years ago — you’d never know it by looking at her now — Malia was getting a little chubby. [H]er doctor — he really monitors this type of thing — suggested we look at her diet. So we cut out juice boxes, sweets and processed foods.

Good thing they nipped that problem in the bud, because a fat kid in the White House would have been totally embarrassing. Anyway. Ivy Queen? In the spirit of the White House’s campaign for a healthier American, allow us to take away this big, fat, frosted slice of birthday cake and present you with this nice, lukewarm plate of organic kelp paste. 

Michelle? She’ll be sitting with us, eating burgers:

Last month, the first lady took her staff out to lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries  [Ed. note: There's one up in Midtown. Their burgers are made of angels farts and orgasms. Trust.], a hamburger chain, where she had a cheeseburger, fries and a Coke. (No, not a Diet Coke.)

Mrs. Obama also enjoys waffles and grits for breakfast, though not every day. And she said that the White House chefs, who can make nutritious meals tasty, have other talents as well.

“They can also make a mean batch of French fries when you want it done,” she said.

Sorry, Ivy. Happy birthday anyway, nene!

Michelle Obama’s Agenda Includes Healthful Eating [NYT]