SENOS FIRMES!: Uncovering Beauty And Health Scams Aimed At Latinos

Who among us does not want huge, nearly even breasticles spilling out of the Timmy Hilfinger tank top we bought at the flea market? We all want to look our best, and for many young women who frequent swap meets, that might include having large breasts. Or flawless skin. Or a boyfriend who needs brujeria to maintain his erection. Let’s investigate some of the more popular beauty and health schemes aimed at Latinos… And those we admit we’d want to try.

Watch local Spanish-language TV stations on weekend mornings and you’re likely to be hit with a barrage of infomercials on plastic surgery procedures, miracle creams, hair products, male enhancement pills or (our personal favorite) underwear aimed at sucking, tucking, and plucking every aspect of one’s body in order to create an hourglass figure where none previously existed.

As a report on a scam involving a government program that promised to get low-income, Spanish-speaking people into affordable housing explains, the reason these scams are so nefarious is that they are primarily in Spanish. Thus, many of the scams’ intended audience are people who have not had the resources or time to learn English in the United States and who look to fellow Spanish-speakers as trusted members of the same community, a haven in a mainstream culture and political environment that remains foreign and alienating. 

More than selling a particular product or procedure, these scams are selling the promise of a new beginning and the promise that these come recommended by trusted members of their community, who reach out to them via a common language and cultural background. 

With that in mind, here are some tips to help keep you and your loved ones from falling for these scams:

1. Despite what your boyfriend tells you, creams won’t make your tits bigger.

Luckily, there are people who look at these ads with a critical eye and tell others what’s up. Take this comment from a message board thread about a cream that guarantees to make breasts bigger:

pues cuanto lo siento pero ES UNA MENTIRA. Mir ami papa es cirugano plastico y en verdad de puedo garantizar que esa crema simplemente no existe. Si en verdad sirviera no habrian mujeres que se pongan siliconas y mi papa estaria quebrado, cosa q no pasa ni pasara. 

Una crema es una locion que se coloc ay es absorbida por la piel. Las unicas formas para q te aumentes tus senos son que o engordes, o te inyecten grasa en ellas de otras partes de tucuerpo o te pongan un implante de silincon, de otra manera lo unico que consigues es perder tu dinero.

A rough translation: “Girl, no. This is bullshit. Creams work on the surface of the skin and cannot make breasts larger. If they could, women wouldn’t still choose to go under the knife in their quest for breast.”

But, surely, if creams, don’t work, pills will?

2. The only pill we’ve encountered that makes boobs bigger is The Pill. Everything else is probably just repackaged baby aspirin. Trust.

Well. Ok. What about special shaping underwear created by “science,” or Jesus?

3. If underwear is advertised on an infomercial or sold in mall kiosks, it will literally fall apart within a day. 

But damn if we’re not curious about trying them out. Especially if they happen to be named “SuperCul” (get it?!?!) and provide that enviable “I’m wearing a giant diaper” look:

And also allow men the opportunity to feel like their bodies are totally inadequate, too:

Speaking of men…

4. All the snake venom, penis pumps and unicorn milk in the world still won’t make women want to sleep with you.

Even if they did work.

So avoid this shit, ok? Not only are they part of an industry aimed at telling people (especially women) that we’re inadequate, they’re also promoting the idea that Spanish-speaking Latinos are naive and idiotic. Prove them wrong.