The Grinch That Stole Cinco De Mayo: Opportunities For Public Intoxication Thwarted By Swine Flu

Because of fears surrounding the spread of swine flu (Or Brown People Flu. We wouldn’t want to be deemed offensive.), many Cinco de Mayo celebrations across this great nation - this nation for which Cinco de Mayo was explicitly created - have been cancelled. Will people, gringo or otherwise, be able to celebrate this most sacred of holidays? Let’s look into some of the havoc wrought by this awful, terrible, no-good flu:

New York

The annual Cinco de Mayo celebration a held each year at Flushing Meadows Park and the Festival de la Canción Rancher have both been put off until further notice. A marathon in honor of The Battle of Puebla (we guess it emulates the French… running… a lot… from Mexican forces?) will still take place in Brooklyn. Can you double-fist Pabsts while running? No? Then it doesn’t count as a Cinco de Mayo celebration. Fools.

Chicago

In the windy city, a celebration organized by the Mexican Civic Society of Illinois has also been cancelled due to health concerns. Perhaps because they are afraid of  brown elementary school children riding in on the wind? 

Oakland

In Oakland, a Cinco de Mayo festival and parade scheduled for this weekend have been cancelled due to “financial reasons.” Which is code for “SWINE FLU.” Said the event’s organizer:

This has absolutely nothing to do with the swine flu at all. The decision was made at the beginning of April, long before the flu was in the news.

Which is a lie. Instead of this weekend’s festivities, the city made the patently absurd decision to celebrate Mexican Independence this coming September 13th.

Milwaukee

Milwaukee, a city synonymous with Cinco de Mayo, has cancelled its festivities after following the advice of the Centers for Disease Control to avoid large groups of (drizzunk) people. Mario Marin Torres, the governor of Puebla, was originally slated to make an appearance at the festival but he can’t, because he must barricade himself against the Flu Swine.

People. Didn’t your families teach you, as ours did, that the only antidote for a virus is alcohol? We pity you.

And, now, a poem:

Dressed in a coat and an old cap of red /

A malicious new stranger filled the U.S. with dread.

He trotted to Texas, had stromboli in Queens /

Made mayhem in Mexico and caused quite a scene.

But who is this stranger, this dastardly pig /

With a quivering snout, so frightful and big?

Why it is the Swine, that is killin’ us dead /

That is wreaking such havoc in his old cap of red.

He flew into our windows, he flew through our doors /

Flew into our schools and into brothels. With whores!

And now, this old Flu Pig, this horrible swine /

Has messed with our alcohol. He’s messed with what’s MINE!

For due to his presence, unwelcome at that, /

Cinco de Mayo has been cancelled. Oh damn and oh drat!