Gabriel García Márquez To Stop Molesting Young Girls With His Pen

Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s agent, Carmen Balcells, has effectively announced the author’s retirement in an interview with Chile’s La Tercera. “I don’t believe [he'll] write again,” she said, causing 13 year-old street walkers across Latin America to breathe a sigh of relief.

Garcia Marquez is 82 now and his last book, 2007’s Memories of My Melancholy Whores, left reviewers feeling, well cheap and melancholy. Though his friends, like Mexican author Carlos Fuentes, say no one knows but Gabriel whether he has another book in him (and several tinker toys), his biographer Gerald Martin agrees with Balcell that he will not write again.

We have a feeling this whole line of speculation is going to summon that perv out of his lair. Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?

Biógrafo y amigos dicen que García Márquez no volverá a escribir [La Tercera]