“A Dressed Up Delivery” Kit May Prove Useful To Some Latinas

Hi laaadies! If you’ve ever given birth, you know that the one thing you wish you’d had when pushing a human being out from betwixt your loins was a tube of lip gloss. AMIRIGHT? Luckily, women no longer have to give birth like in the dark ages or in third world countries thanks to “A Dressed Up Delivery” - a fun, useful kit that contains all the essentials for giving birth, fabulously: Lip gloss! A mirror! A headband! A delivery dress! A moist towelette lest you get sweaty while pushing out a baby! And massage oil! 

These are all products that can be extremely helpful to Latinas, if only they would market it by including the words “spicy” and/or “passionate” on the box. See, because Latina mothers-to-be could really use a moist towelette when they… 

…find themselves shopping for birth control at a flea market because the Economist believes our strange and wondrous tribe is in danger or something. Taking care of one’s reproductive health while uninsured can make a girl so icky at the end of the day.

Or, if you are among the Latin American women who prefer to give birth kneeling, perhaps you can use the handy  mirror and headband to make sure your hair looks totes fab while your womb troll is sliding down your leg and into the world.

For those of us who celebrate motherhood by taking off our clothes, a little lip gloss can go a long way. Smile with your eyes and all your lips, lady-sisters. 

But, seriously, we totally aspire to have White Problems™. And those aren’t problems specific to Caucasians - no, no. It simply refers to a certain economic stratum that brings with it certain expectations, norms and concerns that was white-washed so as to wipe away one’s given culture for the sake of pursuing trends and becoming a demographic. White Problems™ include: Discovering your arugula isn’t organic, thus rendering your salad inedible. Traveling to Peru to get in touch with your “spirit,” only to discover that your accommodations don’t have air conditioning. Losing your copy of Eat, Pray, Love. Discovering you’ve received negative press on Gawker or, worse, discovering you’ve stopped receiving negative press on Gawker. And, finally, hoping you don’t look fat or gross in the livefeed of your home birth. This brand (and brand is really the perfect word here) of Whiteness works to make all people, regardless or race, terribly bland and materialistic, a marauding band of zombies defined by what they will and will not consume or purchase. 

“A Dressed Up Delivery” is harmful not only because it’s silly at best and, at its worst, misogynistic. It’s harmful because it ignores the reality of childbirth - it is wet, smelly, painful and, for a lot of women all over the world, dangerous. And that’s not a reality you can sop up with a moist towelette and gloss over with lipstick.

It’s the newest product you don’t need, and will make you feel bad about yourself. [Feministing]