Cristian Castro Is Upset Over Not Being Among “Los 50 Mas Bellos” This Year. Luckily, He’s In Good Company.

Cristian Castro - singer, happy cock, and god descended from Olympus - is upset that he was not included in People en Español’s annual list of the “50 Most Beautiful.”  

In an interview with the magazine for his latest album, the singer joked: “How is that possible, seeing how I am the most beautiful man on this planet?” Oh, Cristian. You jest, but there is truth in your slightly awkward buffoonery. And, sadder than the empty space on People’s en Español’s list where your handsome mug should have been, smirking out at us from beneath those impeccable brows, is the fact that countless Latinos were left of this very same list, robbed of the opportunity to have their publicists burst into their dressing rooms, magazine in hand, exclaiming, “Look what a gift basket and a gift certificate to Strawberry can buy!”

Surely, this slight must be remedied posthaste. And remedy it we will with this, Guanabee’s list of “Los 7 Sort Of Bellos, We Guess That’s Probably Subjective:”

7. Eduardo Yañez’s dog

Last year, actor Eduardo Yañez was named People en Español’s “Sexiest Man of the Year, an honor the celebrated by running a picture of him giving a dog a red rocket. The dog was the clear star of the photo and we think he deserves to be on totally nonsensical lists, too.  Let the dog have his day. And let that day be today.

6. Pee Wee’s facial hair

Mmm. Pee Wee’s FUPA-tickler will one day grow up to become a full-fledged mustache. And when that day comes…We’ll be long dead, our liver having exploded in a puff of glitter and bottom shelf whiskey. But, oh, won’t that day be glorious?

5. Father Cutié

Why wasn’t this man included? Perhaps it would have lacked propriety in much the same way as… oh, what’s something ridiculous and slightly obscene that we can use as an example? Hm. We’re stumped.

4. Eduardo Rodriguez

Eduardo, a sex machine from Long Island City, Queens (holler and such!), had the honor of being named People en Español’s “Hombre Mas Sexy” last year. Why he’s not included on each and every one of their lists each year is beyond us. He is giving us a burning sensation. That is probably not a canker sore. 

3. The Chochas

Think outside the box. And then just pick the box. 

2. A tattoo of the Virgin Mary

There is nothing quite so beautiful as the image of Jesus’ mother permanently engraved into one’s lower back, its holiness dripping down into one’s holey ass crack. Speaking of which..

1.  Jessica’s culo ribbon

The genius of a sweet little bow tattooed above your ass is that, even when completely naked, you’re dressed up! Especially if you happen to live in Daytona Beach, Florida, otherwise known as “Fancytown.”

Cristian Castro reclama no estar en Los 50 Más Bellos [People en Español]