Guanabee Guide: How To Talk To Latinos On Cinco De Mayo

I passed out by a taco truck and when I awoke, I was wearing this hat.

Ok, people. It’s Cinco de Mayo and, this year, we will not sit idly by, gorging on guacamole and consuming shot after shot of tequila, while people ask us how old we were when we had our sombrero removed. Instead, we will sit idly by, gorging on guacamole and consuming shot after shot of tequila, and try to remember this primer we’re writing right now. So, here goes… Some tips and advice on how to talk to Latinos on Cinco de Mayo:

1. It’s called Cinco de Mayo.

Not “Cincos de Mayos,” not “Cinco de Tacos,” not “Mayo de Cinco.” Cinco. De. Mayo.

2. Not all Latinos are Mexican.

You can wish anyone a happy Cinco de Mayo, but any talk of “your country” or “your people” can and will be met with a delicious frozen strawberry margarita to your left temple. We are also not “Spanish.”

3. No, we will not perform a Mexican hat dance.

Apologies in advance. We will, however, accidentally spill a drink all over your fedora.

4. Adding “o” to the end of words in English do not always necessarily render them Spanish.

Please don’t wish us a “Happyo Cinco de Mayo.” Happy suffices just fine, as does “feliz.” As in: “Estoy tan feliz que you developed alcohol poisoning tonight.”

Likewise, any reference to a waiter as “waitero” or to tequila as “drinko” will find a tortilla chip being removed with forceps from your person the morning of May 6th. 

5. Yes, we do have swine flu.

Please stay far away.

6. Quoting Speedy Gonzalez does not make you funny and will not get you laid.

Just a heads up if you find yourself with an andale, arriba and no one around to take care of it.

7. “South of the Border” puns are only funny when we make them.

Just so everyone’s clear on that.