Guanabee's Ultimate Cinco De Mayo Swine Flu Party Planner

Never ones to ignore the big, fat pig flu in the room, Guanabee has pulled some friends together to create a cinco de mayo party guide in light of the recent swine flu outbreak in Mexico. Statistics show that, at the time of this writing, only twenty-three people have officially died of swine flu in the WHOLE WORLD. From where we're standing, that's reason enough to celebrate in a big way, so read on for some fantastic recipes, decoration ideas, music and "authentic" Mexican costumes from Chefrain Cuevas, Crafty Chica™ Kathy Cano-Murillo, Nacotheque's Marcelo Cunning and our very own Alex Alvarez.

Real Mexican Decorations By Crafty Chica™

The first thing you need to make your real Mexican party festive are some decorations. And nothing is realer in Mexico right now than the hyper-paranoia of contracting a deadly virus, so Crafty Chica™, aka Katho Cano-Murillo has come up with these surgical mask-inspired party banners. Originally, these were supposed to be made out of real surgical masks but, wouldn't you know it, THEY WERE SOLD OUT all over Phoenix where she lives. This did not deter Kathy who just created her own masks out of cloth. Which kind of makes them even more real, if you think about it. Says Kathy:

Now that the flu has been downgraded, what do to do with all those masks? These are fabric masks I made. You can hang them as a banner for your cinco celebration and, God forbid, the next time a potential pandemic flu breaks out, all you have to do is snip them down, add some string through the side hems, pass 'em out and everyone is safe!

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Ancient people believed that dressing up like evil spirits could placate them, so this protective mask converted into a pig snout serves double duty for your party guests. Kathy's friend picked it up at May's First Friday art walk in Phoenix. Vaccinate your guests with the "No H1N1" shot. Our abuela always said, "There's nothing wrong with you that a good shot of tequila can't fix." Or was that a good kick in the ass? No matter. Your guests will get both when they imbibe from these adorably decorated "No H1N1" shot glasses. Says Kathy:

These are water slide decals or you can use sticker paper. if you want them to be permanet use glass paint found at the craft store.

Sounds By Nacotheque's Marcelo Cunning

If you have ever been underneath Fontana's at 3am in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, you might have spied our media editor Marcelo Cunning madly spinning the latest in Mexican hip and kitsch. Long before he brought you this, he was helping Mexico's hipsters get their party on, so we thought--Who better to suggest our playlist for this Swine Flu inspired cinco de mayo celebration? Take it away, Marcelo. Afrodita - "La Modelo" (Kraftwerk Cover) - This one just came out and it really makes me wanna party. It's between a cumbia and a norteña but very well done. Lyrically, it's more la that 90s banda hit "Niña Fresa" sung by Ezequiel Peña. Agrupación Cariño-"La Cumbia De La Gripe Porcina" (Swine Flu Cumbia) - Whether you like it or not, it's the most relevant song this very moment. And you really can't go wrong with a cumbia that mentions zombies, tacos al pastor, and George Lucas movies all in a span of 2 minutes. Hechizeros Band - "El Ruidito (Sonidito)" (The Little Noise) - Now a quinceañera staple, this is song is, to be honest, ridiculously stupid. But it's sooo catchy. It's that one song that no one wants to admit they like (or even know) but if it randomly comes up at your cousins backyard party at 2am, you'll totally dance it and LIVE it. Chavela Vargas - "Ultimo Tragro" (The Last Drink) - If we're all gonna die, what better way to go out than with what is, perhaps, the most bad-ass mariachi song EVER. Not only that, it's sung by a WOMAN. The one and only Chavela Vargas. Chavela brushed elbows with the likes of Frida Kahlo, Leon Trostky and, the end all and be all of rancheras singers/composers, Jose Alfredo Jimenez. A legendary song by a legendary singer.   Kinky - "A Donde Van Los Muertos?" (Where do the dead go?) - The title says it all. Okay, your guests are feeling like real Mexicans now with the right ambience and a good shot in the ass just like it came from the Mexican government itself. Now you're ready to fill them with some authentic recipes from Chicago's very own hot, Mexican stuff, Chef Efrain Cuevas, or as we like to call him, Chefrain. Since the World Health Organization has assured us that one does not acquire the swine flu from swine, and since Chefrain says, "Peegs? We ain't afraid of no peegs," he's shared with us his signature "Savor the Swine" holiday menu.

Chefrain's “Savor the Swine” Menu For Cinco De Mayo

  Cueritos estilo Jalisco Before the drinking starts, Chefrain says, "Mexicans love cueritos." That's pickled pig skin to you and me. Mmm Mmm. "You can purchase jars of cueritos at your local Mexican grocery." Or run screaming from them, whatever you're into. If you are a balls out Mexican. (And, really if you aren't, wtf are you doing here?) Don't be afraid to try this at home: Ingredients:

• 1 jar of pickled pig skin (aka cueritos)
• Shredded cabbage
• Radish Slices
• Hot Sauce (I recommend Tapatio hot sauce for this)
• Lime Wedges
• Tostadas

Method: Empty the contents of the jar into a strainer and discard the liquid. Reserve the pickled skins, carrots, and jalapenos. Cut the pork skin into thin strips. Put some skins, carrots, and jalapenos on top of your tostada. Top off with cabbage, radish, lime juice and hot sauce. Michelada (The poor man's Bloody Mary.) Ingredients:

• 1 bottle of XX Amber
• 6 oz Clamato
• 2 Dashes of Salsa Inglesa (translation – Worcestershire Sauce)
• 2 Dashes Tabasco
• Juice from 2 Mexican limes
• 1 Pinch coarse ground black pepper
• 1 Pinch salt
• Celery salt rim

Method: Mix all the ingredients except the beer into a shaker and shake briefly. Pour Clamato mix and beer into a 22 oz pilner glass with a celery salt rim. Garnish with a strip of Crispy Bacon. Enjoy. Margarita Fresita (For all those fresas in the room.)  Ingredients:

• 4 cup of ice
• 2 cup chopped fresh strawberries or frozen strawberries
• 12 ounces El Cabrito brand Tequila Reposado
• 8 ounces fresh squeezed orange juice
• 4 limes, juiced
• 2 ounces simple syrup (50/50 sugar and water, dissolved)
• Pinch of Salt

Method: Place all ingredient in blender and blend until smooth. Pour into sugar rimmed margarita glasses, garnish with a lime wedge and enjoy! Taquitos al Pastor (This is what we're talking about.) Ingredients:

•          10 chiles Pasilla
•          10 chiles Guajillo
•          4 garlic cloves
•          1 cup apple cider vinegar
•          1 tsp cumin
•          4 cloves
•          Salt and pepper
•          2 lbs thinly sliced pork loin
•          1 small yellow onion, chopped
•          Chopped cilantro
•          2 bottles of XX Amber
•          2 Limes
•          2 tablespoons Lard

Method: First make the chile mixture. In a large saucepan, heat water to a boil. Add the chiles and cover. Boil for 10 minutes, then remove from heat. Leave covered for 30 minutes to allow the chiles to soak and soften in the hot water. Drink 1 bottle of XX Amber. Drain the chiles, removing stems, seeds, and veins. You may want to wear latex gloves here if you aren’t a real Mexican. Place the cooked chiles in a blender along with garlic, cumin, vinegar, and cloves. Blend until smooth. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Transfer the chile mixture to a mixing bowl and add the pork to marinade overnight or at least 7 hours. The next day, heat the lard in a skillet, preferably cast iron. Place spiced pork in the skillet and cook on both sides until pork is crispy but not overdone. Cut into strips and serve on warm tortillas (preferably the little corn ones). Add chopped onion, cilantro, lime wedges, and your favorite hot salsa or salsa taquera.   Buen Provecho!

What To Wear By Alex Alvarez

The tunes are flowing, the pickled pig's skin is chilling (ugggh) and now it's time to get dressed before your guests arrive. But what to wear? Well, we turned to Guanabee fashionish person Alex Alvarez for some ideas: Your Cinco de Mayo outfit should reflect the history and culture of Mexico and honor all the traditions of this ancient and noble people(s). You can achieve this buy wearing:

•  Hotpants.
•  A lucha libre mask.

For the Chavas

1. Don a flu mask with an ironic mustache or lady-mouth painted on. There is no way this is not already old. Everyone will commend you for being funny and original. Especially hot girls.
2.  Remember that shirts without sleeves will best show off your large, impressive muscles. If you lack such muscles, wear a sleeveless shirt anyway and walk with your arms away from your body, fists tightly clenched. No one will know the difference!
3. Belt buckles are an important and often overlooked accessory to any gentleman's outfit. Go with something subtle and tasteful, like a giant skull, scorpion, skull-covered-in-scorpions, or topical plaque reading "EL BACONATOR" or "APORKALYPSE NOW." Swirly gothic font adds class, and charm.

However you decide to spend tomorrow, we hope you will take a moment to remember your Mexican brethren and sistren. And pour one out for them. They could use it.