What J-Lo Can Do To Get Her Reality Show Spot Back From John & Kate Plus 8

The death of Jennifer Lopez's reality show idea for TLC, about the behind-the-scenes of a perfume launch, (wow, paint drying), should surprise no one. But what put the nail in the coffin, apparently, was John & Kate Plus 8's record-breaking season premiere on Monday. J-Lo was in negoshe with TLC since last year for a show based on her life, but refused to put her kids in front of the camera, proposing instead to give them the aforementioned perfume development documentary. We hope that J-Lo sees now that the only way to endear yourself to America anymore is to exploit your children and other intimate relationships for money. With that in mind, we propose the following Jennifer Lopez TLC reality shows:

Jen & Marc Plus 8 Exes

In this show, Jennifer and husband Marc Anthony and all their ex-husbands, wives and lovers move in together to raise their common children and compete in weekly physical competitions. Like who can grab the last piece of chicken away from Jennifer. 

Jen & 8 Films We Hate

In this show, each week Jennifer is forced to watch one of her shitty movies with her children and explain why she did this to an unsuspecting public. Exempt from this, of course, is Selena and her small role in Mi Familia. First in line: The Wedding Planner. If we run out of movies, next season we'll make her review her song lyrics.

Jen & Kate Plus 8 Seconds On A Bull

This one's simple: Whoever gets closest to staying on a bull for 8 seconds, Jennifer Lopez or Kate Gosselin, gets to keep the slot on TLC. All the children and husbands play rodeo clowns. Pay-Per-View, are you listening? This is a goldmine.

Jen & Marc Plus Eight Or Bust

In this show, Jennifer and husband Marc Anthony set out to make their litter eight instead of two, or five if you want to count Marc's kids from previous relationships. (He doesn't.) Jennifer spends the entire show, for the next six seasons, pregnant. Marc has to deal with her. Hilarity ensues.

Jennifer and 8 Miles of Ass

In this show, Jennifer seeks to make her ass as big as it can get while still maintaining the rest of her physique. She does this by jogging with the kids to Popeye's four times a day and eating everything on the menu. At weigh in, if she's too thin, she gets spanked.

Jen Plus 8 Nannies

Rumor has it Jennifer ordered four nannies for her twins back when they were babies, now that they're toddlers, we figure eight are in order. In this show, the eight nannies spend their time dealing with J-Lo and then reporting back to us about what a crazy bitch she is.