Javier Bardem Proposes To Penelope Cruz, She Responds, “Salma!”

Penelope Cruz and boyfriend Javier Bardem are engaged! Again? The couple, who took care not to be photographed together when they attended Salma Hayek’s recent wedding in Venice, have reportedly decided that they’ll also give marriage a spin.

Penelope has reportedly wanted to get married for some time now, but Javier wasn’t totally for the idea - until Penelope gave him an ultimatum (is anyone else having a hard time believing this?), “Marry me or I’ll leave! And make another version of Vanilla Sky!” Since no one wants that, Javier relented, got down on one knee, and asked his girlfriend of two years to make an honest man out of him.

Javier made the decision after consulting with his mom, because he’s incapable of independent thought of whatever.

…Again, does anyone believe this? How do tabloids even find sources who would know what Javier and Penelope, or Javier and his mom discuss behind closed doors? If you’re just going to make up whatever you please about stars, could it at least be interesting?

Like, for example:

“Penelope Cruz Asks Javier To Wear Salma Hayek Mask During Coitus.”

“Javier Caught Canoodling With Penelope Over A Brunch Of Jamon, Jamon.”

“Javier Is Secretly Penelope’s Sister.”

Liven it up a bit, you know? Por favor, mi amor!

Si, Mi Amor! [Star, print version]