Penelope Cruz Contracts Food Poisoning At Cannes, Inspires List Of What NOT To Do When At The Film Festival

Penelope Cruz has come down with a case of food poisoning and will be unable to promote both Abrazos Rotos and Nine at the Cannes International Film Festival. Quelle horreur. Explained the latter film’s producer, Harvey Weinstein:

She’s got some kind of food poisoning. She’s been really sick and being treated by a doctor now.

Penelope’s illness teaches us all a valuable lesson - a lesson which is, in fact, our first rule to keep in mind when off promoting a film at Cannes:

• Do not eat.

An invaluable rule of thumb when traveling abroad as an actress, especially to such a much-publicized and scrutinized festival such as Cannes, is to avoid food. Food leads to, among other things:

      - Flatulence

      - Weight gain

      - Caca

Stick to room-temperature, bottled water and a look of longing. And cocaine.

• Steer clear of Sean Penn.

Last year at Cannes, Natalie Portman and Sean Penn became acquainted and promptly began overthrowing one another’s governments, so to speak. Take care to avoid this man when at Cannes, lest you find yourself embroiled in an affair with someone who is revolting. 

• Do not ask Eva Longoria why she is at Cannes.

Perhaps you are flitting about France in your beautiful designer gown and, through the crowd, catch a glimpse of Eva Longoria climbing Tony Parker in an attempt to kiss him for the cameras. Do not proceed to ask her why she is there, nor remind her that she’s been in such internationally acclaimed works of cinema as The Sentinel or Over Her Dead Body. Simply walk away, slowly. Eva Longoria is really a small t0 medium-small fire-breathing hellbeast disguised as a petite Tejana. And she is not to be trusted.

Penelope Cruz Gets Food Poisoning in Cannes [Us Magazine]