Saunter Of Shame: Cristiano Ronaldo Hooked Up With Paris Hilton

Cristiano Ronaldo is taking his penis on a tour of California, which, as any good tourist knows, is not complete without a trip to La Brea Tar Pits. Which is precisely why he hooked up with one Paris Hilton.

The evening began with Paris moodily fiddling with her phone while drinking cocktails at Nobu while Cristiano kept trying to catch his reflection in a spoon at Fogo De Chao Brazilian restaurant. Later, Cristiano and Paris met up at MyHouse in Los Angeles, where Cristiano ended up spending over 20 thousand dollars on alcohol. The two spent their time at the club “swapping spit” and later went off to Nicky Hilton’s West Hollywood home.

Cristiano was seen leaving Nicky’s at 5 a.m, because not even the most brilliant of glittering stars is exempt from taking a walk of shame:

These two do not have long term potential because they are basically the same person. And while it would be interesting to date oneself or to have sex with a Real Doll made in one’s likeness that should hopefully be delivered around the 20th of this month, it can only end in tragedy. We mean, seriously:

• Both have immaculate eyebrows.
• Both are very orange.
• Both are relatively hairless.
• Both look perpetually greasy. 
• Both wear clothing appropriate for a 14-year-old Eastern European billionaire’s daughter.
• Both like to lick their own assholes.

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