An “Uncontrollable” Cristiano Ronaldo Is Not Making Friends In Spain

Vaguely orange soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo is making the switch from Manchester United to Real Madrid and that’s getting players from his new rival team, Barcelona, less than thrilled. In fact, Barca player Xavi (Xavier Hernández Creus) has gone so fay as to label Ronaldo “uncontrollable.” Although anything is possible with modern anti-inflammatories. You’d be surprised, really.

Said Xavi, presumably whilst leaning, topless and sweaty, against a tree and squinting off into the horizon:

I wouldn’t want him here. At Barca, we do not have room for players who fill gossip magazines. We are hard workers and sportsmen but he, on the other hand, is uncontrollable.

Xavi. The last thing Cristiano will ever see.

We don’t recall Xavi complaning about David Beckham when he was with Real Madrid before he ran off to prove that Americans do not follow soccer in the least. Was Beckham also uncontrollable because people (we) couldn’t seem to stop writing about his perfectly chiseled features and meticulously manicured eyebrows? 

Besides, we can think of at least four sports stars more uncontrollable than Cristiano Ronaldo…

1. A-Rod

The man constantly lied about his steroid use and voluntarily allowed both Madonna and Kate Hudson to place their tongues into his face. YOU’S OUT OF CONTROL, BITCH TITS!

2. Dennis Rodman

We feel Dennis is the sort of person who would tattoo his own genitals even when perfectly sober. 

3. Keith Hernandez

Would strangle you with his mustache in a coke-fueled rage.

4. Chad Ochocinco

The man got a tattoo of the state of Florida onto his face. That is akin to publicly admitting that you firmly intend on developing a meth addiction in the very near future.

Barca star Xavi: Ronaldo is ‘uncontrollable’ [The Sun]