Guanabee Guide: How To Survive Costa Rica If You’re Heidi And Spencer Pratt

Heidi Montag has left the set of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! for the 127th time. This time around, she claims she developed a gastric ulcer after being “tortured” by NBC execs. Because Heidi and her husband Spencer had already left the show previously, they were punished by being made to stay in a dark room with only water, beans and rice. Well that personally sounds relaxing and delicious to us, Heidi’s system could apparently not deal with it and she began throwing up. Although, in her defense, if we woke up face-to-balls with Spencer Pratt, we’d also be painting the walls green.

Spencer has already fired his lawyer for having informed Pratt that he is contractually obligated to stay on the show and is now reportedly thinking of firing NBC as well. 

If only Heidi and Spencer had thought to ask us for advice on how to get on in Costa Rica they would probably not be in this complicated bid for publicity mess. Allow us, then, to offer Spencer and his acid-ravaged bride some belated tips:

• Costa Ricans are referred to as “ticas” and “ticos.” Although, if you want to be extra friendly, you should make sure to refer to them as “teticas,” loudly and in public.
• “Pura Vida” is Costa Rica’s slogan and means “Pure Life.” It is pronounced “koh-may mee-air-duh.”
• Like with most of Latin America, there are no major cities in Costa Rica. Guess you’ll just have to live and poo in the rain forest. With the dragons.
• All Costa Rican fruits and other plant life, especially Dole pineapples, are poisonous. You are advised to avoid their golden deliciousness and stick to eating protein-rich insects.
• They only way to avoid mosquitos in Costa Rica is to build immunity Forgo big repellant and allow them to bite you. It will pay off eventually.

And that about wraps it up. Do you have any other advice for Heidi and Spencer?

Heidi & Spencer — Tortured? [TMZ]