This Day In Latino History

On this day in 1539, Spanish explorer Hernando De Soto took control of the wild swamps of Florida for Spain with the cunning use of flags, making way for all sorts of greasy lowlifes like Tony Montana, Bea Arthur and Latarian “I want to do hood rat stuff” Milton. Damn, is it to late to posthumously send Hernando to Gitmo?

Like most of the great Hispanics who make history in our nation, Hernando was born of humble parents–Hidalgos–in Extremadura, Spain a “region of poverty and hardship from which many young people looked for ways to seek their fortune elsewhere.” Which is probably why, when Hernando grew up, he decided to look for gold in the Americas. That’s right, Hernando was no ambassador. If it didn’t bling, it didn’t sing to Hernando. Of course his greed did lead to a great discovery– the Mississippi River. Until then, only the Indians knew about it and ha! They’re not even human. Plus, as you can see from the above, historical painting, Hernando never got tired whereas the Indians were a bunch of pussies. He was also looking for a passageway to, um, China. Yeah. Instead, he found a passageway to JoAnn’s Chili Bordello. Congratulations, Hernando. You are a pimp.