Madonna Cooks For Jesus Luz, We Are The Queen Of England

  [caption id="attachment_38504" align="alignleft" width="265" caption="The other white meat."][/caption] Jessica Seinfled, wife to Madonna's special friend Jerry, has reportedly been teaching Madonna how to cook, especially focusing on Brazilian dishes for Jesus Luz. Someone please check to see if Satan's nipples are particularly stiff this afternoon because it will be a cold day in Hell before we believe that Madonna is cooking for Jesus.   First off, it's not as if Jessica Seinfeld can either cook or lie to save her life. Homeslice was brought under fire for having allegedly plagiarized the concept for and recipes in her stupid cookbook, Deceptively Delicious. So unless she's teaching Madonna how to get Jesus to eat his vegetables by baking them into brownies, we're not sure what use she is in that department. Also: What is the obsession with wanting to "humanize" major celebrities? Christ, we don't celebrities to be "just like us." We are fucking boring. We want to be able to live vicariously through the antics of people more famous and visible than we are. We want to experience soothing waves of schadenfreude when rich, popular, pretty starlets are photographed with their labia plopping out of a limo or when aging pop stars do desperate shit very, very publicly.  We are never going to sleep with Vanilla Ice, cheat on our husband with someone who has bitch-tits, bed a Brazilian models who may or may not be a mouth breather, or writhe on stage while wearing a wedding dress and singing "Like a Virgin" (hopefully). So those, friends, are the sort of things we want to read about. Please, tabloids and anonymous-sources-close-to-the-celebrity, don't take this away from us by trying to tell us that Madonna cooks for her boytoy. 

Cooking for Her New Guy [Us Weekly, print version]