Cry A Little For Me, Argentina: Mark Sanford’s Guide To Exploring Way Down Under

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford initially said he wanted to go to Argentina because he “wanted to do something exotic.” He is quite, apparently, a literal man, as he’s since revealed that the purpose of his visiting South America was to see a woman with whom he’d been conducting an extra-marital affair. 

Others considering a trip to Argentina might do well to follow Sanford’s travel tips. For your convenience, we’re provided some here, just for you:

1. Ask for advice.

Feel free to ask friends who’ve already visited your desired destination for tips on where to go and what to do. You might be surprised at some of the things they’ve done - things you probably won’t discover in your typical travel brochure. 

Did you know that, in Argentina, tragically irrelevant former reality show contestants will tell the press you offered them money for sex and/or a lap dance? It’s true.

2. Go local.

While it might be tempting for some to bring loved ones like a spouse or children on your trip, doing so will only make it more difficult for you to get to know the locals through all your senses - taste, touch, sight, sound and toe insertions. 

And if your special internet friend with whom you’ve been corresponding through “casual emails” decides to grow something resembling a conscience, you might be interested in learning that, in Argentina, prostitution is legal as along it is not organized through a brothel, ring, or pimp. But, be warned: Prostitution rates in Argentina are the 5th highest in the world.

3. Be discreet.

To ensure that you get the most privacy on your trip, it’s best not to tell anyone you’re going. After all, you wouldn’t want annoying office-related calls interrupting your vacation. 

A good way to keep a low profile while still enjoying your stay in Argentina is by making arrangements at one of the country’s “telos:”

They are not hotels, neither are they brothels. Some are cheap and somewhat seedy. Others are used by film stars and politicians and boast every luxury imaginable.

But telos have only one purpose…to provide a safe, comfortable place in which to have sex. 

(Why haven’t “love motels” made a comeback in the U.S.? )

4. Choose a souvenir.

Make sure to pick up some token to remind you of all the good times and exciting adventures you had on your trip. Try to go for something a bit more personal and culturally authentic than the usual snowglobe or refrigerator magnet. How about a tango lesson? Or local art? Or the everlasting guilt that you cheated on your wife and lied to the very people you pledged to serve?