Paris Hilton And Cristiano Ronaldo: The Texts That Launched A Thousand Shits

Paris Hilton is keeping relatively mum about her new, disgusting relationship (more like FELLATIONSHIP) with animatronic Ken doll, Cristiano Ronaldo. She said the two are “getting to know each other” and that he’s a nice guy and a great athlete. Whether she said this in her baby voice or thunderous secret man voice is unclear. 

Her friends, however, have revealed that the two have been texting one another almost constantly since hooking up in Los Angeles a staggering 24 hours after Paris broke up with former boyfriend Judge Reinhold Doug Reinhardt.

We at Guanabee, in our unending and dastardly mission to bring you news that can ooze, have gotten our grubby little hands on the transcripts of these text messages to share with all of you:

Paris

6/12/2009 3:14 pm

hi cris rownildo i m mad @ u ok pls dnt evr talk 2 me again 

 

C. Ronaldo

6/12/2009 3:19 pm

Who is this?

 

Paris

6/12/2009 3:26 pm

uh HALLO its me paris. i m mad @ u becuz u cheeted on me. gbye 4ever.

 

C. Ronaldo

6/12/2009 3:29 pm

Paris the guy from Akbar? 

 

Paris

6/12/2009 3:33

NO paris hilton remembr we had seks like a mllion times n then u srted 2 vomit in my hair

 

C. Ronaldo

6/12/2009 3:42

Oh. I didn’t cheat on you.

 

Paris

6/12/2009 3:48 pm

oh then y did i fnd pantis in my car that r not mines i no it becuz i dnt wear PANTIS

 

C. Ronaldo

6/12/2009 3:53

Those were mine, Princesa.

 

Paris

6/12/2009 4:02

o. i m not mad at u ne more. i luv u. lts go to kitson n get mtching tshirts w my face on them.

 

C. Ronaldo

6/12/2009 4:13

Make it my face and we’re golden, my little rosto de pássaro.

Ah, love.

Paris Hilton spills the beans on her fling with Cristiano Ronaldo [The Sun]