Things Our Fathers Said That Made Us This Way

Dads–they say the darndest things. Your Guanabee staff has gotten together to recall some of the more memorable pearls our respective fathers have shared over the years. What? You thought we pulled these mamadas out of our asses? No! This took years of proper breeding.

Alex Alvarez, Editor:

Things my dad says:

• “Where you’re going, I’ve been, come back from, visited again and bought the T-shirt.”
• “You should dress preppy.”
• “Why yes; I do love you very much. Why do you ask?” (He texts me this often and randomly, without me having contacted him.)
• “Why do you always call your mom and not me?”
• “You can get married when you’re 40.”
• (When I tell him about a compliment I’ve received.) “It’s because you’re your father’s daughter.”
• “Why is your face so small, smallface?”
• “Where is the rest of your outfit?”
• “Oh, look. A bar. Alex, it’s your favorite.” (I don’t know why he thinks this is so funny. I’ve been drunk in front of my parents maybe once.)
• “I skip the peepee posts.” (Regarding my tendency to discuss genitalia on Guanabee.)

Daniel Mauser, Publisher (Son of Dr. Mauser!!!)

Things my father tells me when:

Cindy Casares, Managing Editor

My father is the king of saying the most ludicrous things in the driest delivery possible, so that you think he must be dumb or crazy, but he is cracking himself up on the inside.

• One Christmas, when I received a luxurious, new, white, fluffy robe from my brother, he said, “Don’t get menudo on it.”
• Since I learned to speak, probably, he condescendingly says to me, “Ohhhkay, baby,” whenever I am telling him something important. As in, I am so not paying attention to you.
• “Have you learned to drive?” He asked me last month while getting in my car.
• He loves to sit down 1 hour and 45 minutes into a movie and ask me what happened.
• He can’t pronounce th’s or z’s. A product of having learned Spanish first. So he says, “soo instead of zoo” and “tanks instead of thanks.” This is an endless source of hilarity for me and my brothers.
• He also can’t say accept. “That’s just the way it is and you just have to assept it.” Hilarious when he’s in the middle of scolding you.
• In emails, he suddenly breaks into all-caps in the middle of a sentence JUST LIKE THIS. And when i ask him why, he writes back, I DON’T KNOW.
• He also signs his emails as if his name is a logo: “Love,    D        A        D”
• Whenever you call him on anything, his patent response is,”Heeeeeeeeeeey.” As if the tone alone should justify him.
• He’s not the type to say, “I love you,” very often, but he ordered his vanity plates with his kids’ initials on it.

Marcelo Cunning, Media Editor

• Dime con quien andas y te dire quien eres: Tell me who you’re hanging with and I’ll tell you who you are.
• Soy lento pero no pendejo: I’m slow but not stupid.
• [When my hair used to be crazy] Parce que te lambio un burro: It looks like a donkey licked you.
• Mas sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo: The devil is wiser cause age and not for being a devil.
• El que habre tiene en pan piensa - He who’s hungry thinks of bread.
• [When I was a kid, being annoying] Ve a ver si ya puso la marrana: Go see if the pigs laid an egg.