Get To Know Your Dictator: Daniel Ortega

Daniel Ortega is like the Burt Reynolds of Latin American dictators, and he has the mustache to prove it. The former Sandinista leader and once and future president of Nicaragua is a fun combination of ruthlessness, manipulation and cunning deceptiveness. Let’s take a closer look.

Daniel and his mustache were born in La Libertad, Nicaragua during the reign of major asshole dictator Anastasio Somoza. His mother was imprisoned when Somoza’s guys alleged she was sending coded messages to political groups in love letters, which is of course ‘tarded. Young Daniel was arrested at age 15 and quickly set about building what would become the Sandinistas (named after Ortega’s favorite cookies Keebler’s Little Sandies). After he got out of jail, Ortega went to Cuba where he learned how to start a commie revolution from the man who wrote the book on it, (Revoluciones Communistas para Brutos by Fidel Castro, not available in U.S.)

The Sandinista revolt in the late 1970s became a cause célèbre for several Hollywood stars such as Susan Sarandon and Michael Douglas and gained international attention. In 1979 the Sandanistas overthrew the American backed Somoza and set up a 5 person junta to rule Nicaragua in the interim, but really Ortega was in charge. Having removed their puppet presidente pissed off old Ronnie Reagan who launched a covert war against the Sandinistas through right wing Contra rebels who practiced the age old Latin American art of Death Squadding. Ortega matched violence with violence with death squads of his own effectively turning Nicaragua into a slaughterhouse.

In 1990 Ortega lost the presidential election to opposition leader Violetta Chamorro, but had first his brother and then himself appointed head of the military thereby keeping his grip on the reigns of power, as he said he would keep “ruling from below.” Then, in 2006, he was again elected president, although in reality he had never not been in charge. Since then, he has managed to continue to consolidate power and has plans to rewrite the constitution to allow himself to stay in office. In 2007 he was visited by fellow hair part enthusiast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whom he told the “revolutions of Iran and Nicaragua are almost twin revolutions…since both revolutions are about justice, liberty, self-determination, and the struggle against imperialism.” Yeah, man. He’s also used his diplomatic immunity to escape prosecution for allegedly sexually abusing his daughter and several other counts of rape and murder. Apparently there is a get out of jail free card, and Daniel-san has it.

Ortega is a master of the dictatorial art of deception, the proverbial man behind the iron curtain. Effectively remaining in power since 1979, he’s laid low and sprung up as he felt necessary, while still appearing to nominally follow his country’s constitution.

That mustache though…is seriously hot.