Levi Jonhston Speaks Out About The Real Reason Sarah Palin Stepped Dow

Political mastermind Hollywood Ricky, né Levi Johnston, says he knows the real reason professional moose gutter Sarah Palin stepped down from her position as the governor of Across-From-Russia. Did she have an affair? Is the actually Bristol’s child? Is she really a Russian spy? Is she Ralph Nader dressed in a lady-costume in an elabotate yet thinly-veiled attempt to garner more votes for himself?

The truth, according to Levi, is much less exciting.

He says that, shortly after McCain lost to Obama, Palin talked about spending more time at home and possibly accepting certain lucrative offers that were being pitched her way. Said Johnston in a slow drawl while reclining, nude, on a bearskin rug. In our living room:

She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people have been offering us and just run with it, and saying forget everything else.

Run wild, Sarah. Wild like the Canadian geese of Canadia! Wild like frenzied Wal-Mart shoppers in Wasilla when there’s a sale on ammo! Run with your hair loosed from its odd and restrictive Bumpit, your glasses tossed carelessly asunder, your hands clutching at real American greenbacks instead of the assorted colorful pebbles and buttons they use for currency in Alaska! Run! Wild!

Palin’s spokesperson Meghan Stapleton said, predictably, that Levi Johnston is just some dumb, hot kid with delusions of grandeur:

It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills.

They don’t call her The Stapler for nothing. Stapleton also added, “And need I remind you that this is the same fool who got his own name tattooed onto his arm? Please.”

Levi Johnston says Palin stepped down for money, family [Miami Herald]