Mark Sanford: Why This Sad Sack Still Has A Job And You Don’t

In these days of an economy from down below (that’s hell, not Venezuela. Although Hugo Chavez and the devil could possibly be the same person.) Mark Sanford, the money squandering, adulterous Argentine-fucking governor of South Carolina still has his job. And, you? You sit in your shorts watching Price Is Right. The Drew Carey years, no less! Where did you go wrong? We’ll tell you.

You married the person you love instead of the person who would further your career.

Mark Sanford married an heiress. Sure, she’s stiff as a board and won’t kiss him below the belt, but her millions helped fund his campaign for governor. What has your middle-class, loser spouse done for you lately?

You were faithful to that impoverished idiot you married.

Not only is your spouse not an heiress, but they also won’t kiss you below the belt. Or whatever other annoying thing it is they will or won’t do that makes you want to stab them in the eyes while they sleep. Still, you remained faithful to your vows. You did not take trips with the boys to “blow off steam.” Maybe you went into couples counseling. Driving you further into debt and filling you with even more resentment about your shitty marriage. What you didn’t do was go fuck an Argentine television journalist. (Unless your shitty spouse is an Argentine television journalist. In that case, fuck her.) And you ended up toiling away, trying to pay off your mental health bills, not getting any head and what was the end result? Your work performance was kind of shitty. Okay, not shitty. But, like, sufficient. And that’s where you graduated into that stable of employees who are ripe for the axing

You got axed by your boss. Because you’re not the boss.

Your work performance was mediocre because you were dissatisfied in your soul. This is not uncommon. (This is actually the norm.) Hell, Mark Sanford was one of the highest-spending, mediocre-producing, luxury-traveling motherfuckers in South Carolina, for his efforts to get away from his wife and four, automaton kids. The difference? He’s the boss. It’s a lot harder to fire the boss than it is to fire the minions. (That’s you, Jack.) Since Sanford refuses to quit, the only option is to impeach him. And do you KNOW how much work that would entail? We’re talking about state employees here, people. The most complacent life form on the planet. They’re not going to go through all that trouble. For a governor? Hell, he doesn’t even have any real power. Better to go eat some she-crab soup and forget this whole embarrassing incident ever happened.

To summarize, you’re a tool.

Why? Because you were never ruthless enough to put your career first and marry for social position. People think this is taking the easy way out. They’re wrong. Living in a loveless marriage means nights of soul-curdling arduousness. What steam do you think Mark Sanford was blowing off during those boys’ weekends? The steam that had gathered over his seldom-touched genital area. And you? You’re a pussy minion who likes having the sleep-filled nights that only come as a result of living with integrity. Deal with it, homeslice. Perhaps by heading down to South America (with your spouse) to cross the ultimate sex line in a slightly more exotic locale. It couldn’t hurt.

Sanford impeachment unlikely, state legislators say [CNN]