Mark Sanford’s Op-Ed Calls Maria Belen Chapur Debacle “His Funeral” And “A Tragedy”

This weekend, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford published an Op-Ed piece in local papers that’s so pathetic we’re beginning to think that The State is not really a newspaper, but an elaborate guerilla comedy piece from defunct indie comedy project The State. First he invokes the image of himself as a Christlike figure, resurrecting from the dead:

[W]hile none of us has the chance to attend our own funeral, in many ways I feel like I was at my own in the past weeks, and surprisingly I am thankful for the perspective it has afforded.

Who doesn’t love a good Jesus story? So what did Mark learn?

Forgiveness and grace are key (to him staying governor.)

Why do judgmental, conservative Christians always learn the value of forgiveness and grace after they’ve been caught doing something morally rephrensible?

Forgiveness and grace really do matter. I used to believe that at an intellectual level; now it is at the level of heart. Over my life I have not given enough of either, and yet given all the ways in which my failings have come to light, I write to apologize for, in the most profound of ways, letting you and so many others down.

In the immortal words of Tupac, “Only God can judge me.”

Yeah, that’s right. When you’re a Christian, you can rape a chicken with a baby rattle and only God can judge you. So, back off.

[L]ife is indeed about way more than public standing or political views; it’s about recognizing that none of us is the arbiter of truth, that there are moral absolutes and that there is a God to whom we will all report for our actions.” We also think that makes no sense, but why should we expect more from this guy?

Jesus, take the wheel

All of the above is the say the same bullshit he’s been saying since the day of his bizarre press conference that killed Michael Jackson: God will guide him to make the right decisions as governor of South Carolina, so there’s no need for him to step down.

In working with a few alterations to my approach, I think this could be a far more productive last session than the one that would have been had the tragedy that has unfolded not occurred, and in turn, people’s lives can be made better[...]It means less time fighting the tide, and a greater awareness of the fact that God controls it.

Wow, Maria Belen Chapur went from being his soul mate to being a tragedy. How Romeo & Juliet.

Friends are friends forever, but no profit-sharing

Some people, who are either very compassionate or very co-dependent, have stuck by the governor through this shame spiral. And soon, he will write a tell-all book mentioning some of them, but he will share with them none of the profits.

Finally it is at your funeral that you in many ways not only can see most clearly the things that really matter in life, but also get the best glimpse of who your real friends are — and how much they matter. For that reason, I want to thank so many for their kindnesses and support over the years and for their kindness in this latest chapter in our book together as South Carolinians.

Allow us to suggest a title: Govern Yourself Accordingly

Sanford: An apology, and a pledge [The State]