Robert Rodriguez Wants To Cast Lindsay Lohan In MACHETE

Director Robert Rodriguez reportedly wants Lindsay Lohan to star in his upcoming MACHETE movie. If MACHETE sounds familiar, it is because you were one of the other seven people besides us who saw it as a spoof trailer in Grindhouse. But for those who did not, please let Rodriguez explain the premise:

So I wrote him [star Danny Trejo] this idea of a federale from Mexico who gets hired to do hatchet jobs in the U.S. I had heard sometimes FBI or DEA have a really tough job that they don’t want to get their own agents killed on, they’ll hire an agent from Mexico to come do the job for $25,000. I thought, ‘That’s Machete. He would come and do a really dangerous job for a lot of money to him but for everyone else over here it’s peanuts.’ 

So, obviously, this would be awesome, and a nice departure from Rodriguez’s previous (failed) projects all slated to have starred Rose “I Suck” McGowan. But, wait! There’s more! The movie is also set to star Robert De Niro, Jonah Hill, Michelle “How’s Your Dick Sucking” Rodriguez (!!!!!!!!) and…. Steven. Fuckin.’ Seagal.

OMGGGGGGG.

Woo. That was amazing. Here’s a cigarette, let’s cuddle and talk about our dreams.

But, alas, when faced with the potential awesomeness of this particular film, Rodriguez donned his special Thinking Cowboy Hat, stroked his stubble, and wondered aloud, “How can I possibly ruin this?”

The answer was, of course, by casting Lindsay Lohan.

The director hasn’t made any definitive statement about her part in the movie, but has said there’s a role for her, “If she takes it.” 

Now, it’s not that Lindsay is a bad actress. It’s that she is a freakin’ god damn mess and will, in a coke-fueled rage, pinch out a deuce in a Seagal’s trailer and make him upset and then Michelle Rodriguez will have to slap her (in slow motion) and Robert de Niro will quite and everything will be ruined. 

Rodriguez Wants Lohan For MacHete [IMDB]