Oh No She Didn't: Palin Launches Pre-Emptive Strike On Ethical Complaints

Sarah Palin is a crazy devil bitch. No, actually she's just really really stupid. No wait, she's a folksy champion of the people. Maybe she's just a gangsta-ass gun-toting guberMILF. We don't know. None of us have any idea why this red-coated vixen does the things she does. We don't even know whether this woman does the things she does. Like have a baby named Trig. However, to her credit, Sarah's spokeslady, Meghan Stapleton took a series of super softballs from Fox News in an interview Friday to defend the Governor's actions, but did little more than offer some blibbityblabbity that don't make no sense. Fortunately, a little was enough. If you listen carefully to Stapleton's interview with some English guy on Fox, an important distinction is clarified. When asked whether David Letterman and his "so-called jokes" were the type of personal attacks on Palin and her family that could cause Palin to resign, Stapleton said Miss P. has "always been ready for that fight" against critics, and the motivation for her decision was "the other complaints" that are hurting Alaska and costing "millions upon millions of dollars" and hours of resources (e.g lawyers). Ok, then. Thank you. We can work with that. This decision was not about a presidential run or a spot following Hannity. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has finally learned the Bush Doctrine because she's about to launch a preemptive strike on the treasure trove of shady-ass shit that's been brewing ever since the "REAL 'climate change' that began in August." This is a CYA of the oddest sort. What, what, what are these other complaints that are so damn troubling? Let's have a look back at the menagerie of ethical violations:

1. Y'all remember Troopergate. The investigation concluded that Palin violated a state ethics law that prohibits public officials from using their office for personal gain. The firing itself was deemed lawful since the trooper was an at-will employee.
2. Complaint filed by outspoken Palin critic Andree McLeod of Anchorage contended Palin and some staff members used their influence to get a Palin supporter a job in state government. The claim was dismissed with ethics training given to a subordinate.
3. She got a shit-ton of free but expensive MILFy clothes.
4. Another complaint, currently pending, contends Palin was misusing the governor's office for personal gain by securing unwarranted benefits and receiving improper gifts through the Alaska Fund Trust. The fund was recently established by supporters to help Palin pay off more than $500,000 in legal debts stemming from other ethics complaints, including Troopergate.
5. There have been allegations that Palin's two-story, four-bedroom, four-bath lake house was built on the cheap by the same contractors that built the Wasilla Sports Complex, as a gift for complex approval by Palin when she was Mayor.
6. Oh and she might not be the mom of our little sunshine, Trig. It's probs another one of Levi's Mexican hijos.

Ok yeah, clearly we've been watching too much Who's Nailin Palin?, but stay tuned: there's another like five or seven shoes about to drop up in this. K, back to stroking. Happy 4th!