Anal Retentive Analysis: Our Theories On Shakira’s New Video For She-Wolf
31 July 2009, 3:18 PM. By Alex Alvarez
We have a theory about Shakira’s video for the plaintive wail that is “She-Wolf.”
We think, based on visual clues scattered throughout the video, that it’s about a girl who pegs a man for the first time.
Where are you going? Stay. Heel. Allow us to explain:
1. We know, based on having seen, well, any horror movie ever, that a transformation by a girl into something different and/or evil directly coincides with her becoming a sexual being. (See: Carrie, Wicked, Ginger Snaps) Thus, Shakira’s transformation, by moonlight, into a chola (her acrylics grow, but her facial hair stays perplexingly the same) tells us that something terribly sexy is afoot.
2. She exits her room through a closet after putting on her fuck-me boots. These acts clearly indicate that someone, probably Shakira, is going to get fucked or do some fucking and that it’s going to be done in a way that she hopes remains hidden, or “closeted.” “There is,” she bleats, “a she-wolf in the closet!” But what perversion is she hiding?
3. The fact that she exits her closet and walks directly into someone’s enormous rectum is perhaps a clue into her proclivities.
4. Shakira repeatedly sticks a finger into her mouth. Usually this would connote fellatio, but we can’t help but ignore the fact that the girl is thrusting her way though a snaking, glitter-encrusted colon and surmise that, maybe, the act is reminiscent of sticking a finger into an impatiently waiting asshole.
5. She is shown in a cage, writhing, and presenting her bottom in a way that is not uncommon among several species of apes. This can symbolize guilt, specifically in relations to all things anal. Shakira feels trapped by what she deems an unacceptable desire to wear. That. Ass. Out. WWTVMD?
6. She returns from a night of clubbing in a dank dungeon in a leotard mauled by Lady Gaga to her bedroom, where a man is sleeping on white sheets. The white represents purity in the form of No Anal Play. She gets into bed and drifts to sleep, free to dream about singing assholes twitching in the pale moonlight.
It’s an empowering, sex positive message! She’s in charge of her desires! She’s the aggressor! She’s experimenting! She’s going after what she wants! Maybe someday she’ll come “out of the closet,” so to speak, about her need to ram a dildo up a man’s ass! Lovingly.
Or…
Maybe she’s just trying to appear like a generic blonde blue-eyed (her eyes have become lighter in this video, for some reason) gyrating sex-obsessed pop star so the masses will rush to buy her music and concert tickets.
Watch for yourselves and let us know what conclusion you come up with:
To read a more, let’s say, testosterone-driven analysis of the video, check out Boy Alex’s take on it.
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Her Mr. Roboto moves…OVER IT! LAME!
It’s like she’s trying to be Lady Gaga and Beyonce at the same time.
Not a good mix.
But I’ll probably end up dancing to it w/ my gay boyfriend at the club.
I thought white meant, mutual masterbation
That is fucking horrible.
Wow, to think that at one time Colombians were on top of the world. Shakira and Juanes were more than well received by the mainstream media in various countries–even critics in the U.S. liked them. Now, they’re no longer relevant. At some point (probably when she moved to Miami), Shakira got sucked into the black hole that is American Popular music and culture.
Take home message: Shakira’s new single SUCKS BALLS! And she’s now officially dead to me.
o.my.gosh.wft was that???????
Aaaaahahaha, the giant rectum thing is EXACTLY what I thought when I saw the video.
Today is a sad, sad day. I can no longer defend my beloved Shaki. The lack of pants, the crotch grabbing, the constant goddamn ROBOT DANCE… You’re own your own from now on.
*leaves to cry silent tears for Pies Descalzos Shaki*
I caught this video on tv over the weekend. I could not believe that I was watching a giant asshole on my screen… dancing in front of an enormous rectum.
Also, is this song supposed to be a joke? The part of the song where she howls like a wolf cracked me up. It sounds so stupid.
Right? I was telling a friend that this could have been so much more fun if she’d really gone for it and got all campy. But that half-assed “awoo” was just like, really? You’re…? Ok.
Exactly. The song/video, as it is, reminds me of a fake thing I’d see on SNL or something. She needed to go full-on campy to overcome that fake vibe. At least I got a good chuckle this weekend as I watched it. Joke or not, that shit is funny.
OMG, you “pegged” it!
Vickie P.
http://heyhiall.blogspot.com/
Best comment all month.