Sorry: Niurka Is Gonna Fuck You

Niurka Marcos is speaking out about her ex Yanixan’s new relationship and rumors that he had gotten married to a transwoman named Himmel. Known for her class, wit and elegance, Niurka responded to these bits of news by sharing the following:

I am too much of a slut to close myself off from love and I’m going to fuck while I can; I’m always going to be happy. [...] I don’t have time to eat shit. That one [ Yanixan] wasn’t for me, but I don’t regret anything because he “filled my tank” quite nicely. Although I guess now he’s filling another type of tank. 

Well! Thank you, Niurka. Thanks for being you. 

She also shares that her relation with Yanixan ultimately failed because his brain was too small (Which one specifically? BOOM.) and that she should have given him “four swift kicks to the ass” much sooner. She maintains that her marriage to Yanixan is still binding because, as all Cubans know, God isn’t Santero or a follower of any other religion. God is totally flipping through TVnotas right now, yelling “Girl, you don’t know me!” (He’s a Rastafari.) She also calls Yanixan a bigamist, even though it’s since been revealed that his “wedding” to Himmel was for a movie shoot.

Of her public announcement that she was going to visit a gynecologist to see whether Yanixan had given her an STD, Niurka says her doctor “thoroughly cleaned out her vagina of any residue” and everything turned out just fine.

[TVnotas, print]