Body Language Expert Dr. Guanabeetch Analyzes Belinda And Giovani As They Hold Hands And Make Out In A Limo

Dr. Guanabeetch is in and ready to discuss the relationship between singer / actress Belinda’s dwindling nose and her soccer player beau, Giovani Dos Santos. Will these two last? Are they really in love? Are they holding in a queef? Dr. Guanabeetch will explain it all.

GB: Thank you for speaking with us today, Dr. G. What can you tell us about Belinda and Gio’s relationship based on these pictures of them leaving a theater together?

Dr. G: I distinctly remember asking that my water be room temperature upon arrival, and that I be provided with no less than six, hulled, de-seeded strawberries in a chilled dish. 

GB: Oh. Our bad. There’s a bodega on…

Dr. G: Are you coming on to me?

GB: Excuse me?

Dr. G: The way you’re leaning slightly forward and tilting your head so as to expose your neck indicates that you’re flirting with me.

GB: Honestly? I have a wedgie and was attempting to extract it without you noticing. 

Dr. G: And you were trying to look down my shirt.

GB: Yes. So, about Belinda…

Dr. G: Who?

GB: Doctor. We’re here to talk about Belinda? She’s an actress on a telenovela called Camaleones. She’s dating a soccer player named Giovani Dos Santos. Here’s some pictures of the two leaving a theater together:

Dr. G: Well, first off, I can tell from his Scarface t-shirt that he’s an idiot and possibly attempting to cultivate an image of aggressive hyper-masculinity to make up for the fact that Belinda - who, as you can see, is pushing away from me as he pulls her towards him - is slowly chipping away at his testicles. You will note that, in the second picture above, she is covered and he is not. This is really all about Belinda. There is also a slight smile playing on his face. He’s loving the residual attention he’s getting from dating her.

GB: Interesting. And what do you make of this second set of pictures?:

Dr. G: These pictures indicate that Belinda might do well to eat a sandwich, or perhaps a breakfast burrito.

G: And?

Dr. G: Some chips. Preferably sour cream and onion. With the little flecks of green?

G: But what about their relationship?

Dr. G: Well the pleasant crunch of the salty potato chip really brings out the savory-

G: Doctor. 

Dr. G: Fine. They’re both raging attention whores who will break up the moment one or the other - likely Belinda - finds someone they will consider an upgrade in terms of looks and fame. I wouldn’t be surprised if Belinda is eventually photographed being turkey slapped by a co-star. These two have absolutely no chemistry - their hand-holding is weak and unconvincing, they fail to walk in sync, she never makes an attempt to return his touch.

G: Well. What about this video of the two of them making out in a car?

Dr. G: Oh, this is totally for the cameras. Couples above the age of 14 and below the age of Paid Companion don’t greet one another by straddling each other in a limo and dry humping. These two simply don’t care to attempt making awkward small talk with one another and would rather resort to whatever it will take to get them headlines.

G: Illuminating. Thank you so much for your time.

Dr. G: Get your hand off my leg.

G: I am very much not touching you.

Dr. G: Oh. That’s my hand. On your leg. Nevermind.

G: Please go.