Yeslaysis’ Cositas Caché: Paola Ibarra, Ricky Martin’s Alleged Daughter, Wants Your Advice On A Quinceañera Dress

Paolo Ibarra, the person who allegedly happened after Ricky Martin stuck his penis into a lady, is planning her 15th birthday party and is having some trouble coming up with the perfect dress for the occasion.

It’s a problem we relate to: Do we want a blue dress? Or pink? Ballgown or mermaid? Assless chaps? Belly dancer-themed? Sequins or satin? Do we want our dress to blow blow bubbles, or shoot flames? Do we want to be cognizant and capable of independent though?

It’s tough!

Here are three dresses Paola tried on during a recent trip to Mexico City. To help us advise young Paola on which dress she should choose, we’ve recruited some help from our resident quinceañera, Yeslaysis. Say hi, Yessie:

I know, right?

Let’s see what Yeslaysis has to say. Share your thoughts on them, too, won’t you?:

Dress #1: Bride of Grimace

Ay this dress is so random! You know that stupid broma, “Is that your face or did your neck throw up?” Yeah. A giant purple cuello-hemorrhoid is not the cutest look. Also, no offense, pero like this dress is kind of prudish, amiright? Like, it’d be super cute if you could tear the skirt off to reveal a pair of fuzzy purple booty shorts. Don’t be afraid to be provocatorial.

Dress #2: Pepto-Abysmal

Ay, no se. No offense pero este vestido is not classy. It doesn’t have anything como shiny or sparkly. We, personally speaking no offense, would have airbrushed Ricky Martin on the front. Pero don’t copy us now, because eso es our idea. Don’t be a biter.

Dress #3: A Couch

Este es ok, pero like. Siiiigh. We don’t know. The hair has to be more big. And the skirt part should, like, spin by itself. The way it is now is kind of tacky - it doesn’t even really show your tetas, no offense. Also the lighting is kind of dumb. You can still see all her features and that’s, no se. Kinda weird.

Thanks, Yeslaysis.