Pitbull Receives The Key To Miami. Cue Game Of “You Know You’re From Miami When…”
19 August 2009, 5:31 PM. By Alex Alvarez
How’s this for a start: You know you’re from Miami when a drunk-ass fool who kills Dolphins gets the keys to your fair city and your first thought is “YEAH SON” and then you are immediately filled with self-loathing. Ugh. Pitbull, whose Earth name is Armando Christian Perez, received the keys to Miami today during a ceremony at City Hall. For no reason.
Can you believe we managed to produce both Pitbull and Perez Hilton? Like. Why does the Baby Jesus hate us? Anyway, as a means of celebrating / commiserating, here’s a compilation of various indications that you are from Miami. (Other than, you know. Having been born there.) Kiss your San Lazaro statue, touch up your fade and here we go:
You know you’re from Miami when…
- you live 15 minutes from the beach, but you never go.
- you spend your summer days inside cuz it’s hot as hell outside…literally. (Related: You use “literally” improperly whenever possible.)
- you buy your party food at Blue Sky.
- you’re so used to craziness that very few things surprise you anymore. (Things you are also used to: “Randomness.”)
- your neighbor keeps chickens and goats in their back yard, and you’re always worried you’ll find one of them dead on your doorstep . (My neighbors actually do have various chickens. And peacocks.)
- you get your chicken from Pollo Tropical.
- there’s a Navarro’s on every corner.
- you buy mamoncillos and limes while waiting in traffic .
- you see girls wearing clubbing clothes to go to 7-11.
- your shrimp, lobster, and designer purses all come from one place: some guy’s trunk in Hialeah.
Other indications that you may, in fact, be from Miami:
- Everyone you know is named Eddie, Carlos, Chris or Alex. Except for Yasmina.
- Then again, there are some people you only know as “Bro” or “Dawg” as you’ve never heard them called by any other name.
- Your first thought upon reading this story was “Ay, la pobre. Now people will know she shopped at Mall of the Americas.”
- You know St. Brendan’s as St. Pregnant’s.
- You know Columbus recruits athletes, no matter what those dumb jocks tell you.
- You are aware that, for every graduating class at Belen, one half will become politicians and one half will be found gyrating in the Keys wearing nothing but chapstick and body glitter. You also know that these two halves can and do overlap.
- You know I’m not even going to mention Lourdes.
- Ugh. Lourdes.
- You order your coffee from a window.
- And buy your purses at a salon.
- You know at least one person who has unironically - and unrepetantly - danced with glowsticks.
- You love making these stupid lists about your hometown.
Fellow Miamians, do feel free to share your own. Or don’t. Like we could care less, haters.
Rapper Pitbull gets keys to city of Miami [The Miami Herald]
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Girl, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
I do have one to add: You think twice about buying trendy jewelry at retail stores, because you can probably get the same crap for 79 cents at “The Mart.”
Ahhhhhhhh with Jasmine! And… Yuyi? What was her mom’s name? (Inside reference, people)
Dora, I really doubt you are from Miami, because we never go to “The Mart”. Anyone from Miami can tell you that we shop at “el pulguero el de los perros (located at Flagler Dog track) or at the Flea at Opa-locka- Hialeah.
Everyone in Miami knows at least one girl named Marilaysis or some weird balsera name who thinks she’s hot because she screws a lot of guys, and only listens to reggaeton. And if she has a problem with you she will asked you very bluntly “Que pinga te pasa a ti?
Dora is a friend of mine from back home who still lives in Miami. And I can vouch for us, and every girl we knew in high school, making trips to The Mart to buy multiple and unnecessary beaded bracelets. I’ve actually never heard of anyone shopping at the Flagler Dog track - granted, that was pretty far away from where we were. I do remember that, waaay back in the day, there was a flea market and drive-in movie theater on Bird Road across from the park where Santa’s Enchanted Forest is held.
Kendallians! I love you girls
Jesus ………….i spent a lot of my summer down there that i know what you guys are talking about and im from queens! lol i shopped at the flea market and the mart……
Que coño le pasa a ustedes. Estan comiendo mierda! Why don’t you ever mention Hialeah. Me cago en la madre de todos…you’re jealous of Hialeah High; that must be it.
Dad. I can see your email address. You will note I also left La Salle off the list. Loserschool.