Alex Vs. Alex: Holey Sheet, Latinos

Much is made about how Latinos and Latinas, while both spicy and/or tamales, are worlds apart when it comes to having sex through a sheet on their wedding night. But, as (self-) certified sex experts female Alex A. & male Alex P. show, we’re not really so different. Things might get touchy from time to time, but the Alexes on the Sexes always remain congenial. Or congenital, as it were. Let’s all come together, shall we?

She-Alex: Do you ever wonder about the double standard Latinos have to deal with when it comes to sex? I mean - if guys are all tapping asses in order to become REAL men, and women are all preserving their jewel for marriage, who is expected to actually have sex?

He-Alex: Hehe, well it’s definitely happening. There are babies to prove it. Are women really preserving their precious jewels for marriage? I’ve never had to fight those principles. Except maybe in the third grade.

She-Alex: My jewel is locked tight in my hope chest. But I was referring more of the idea and the expectation of who is given the ok for premarital sex in Latino society . Because, even in the U.S. (or ESPECIALLY in the U.S. if you count the growing number of evangelical latinos) a lot of relationships are overshadowed by the idea of preserving purity or glorifying virginity.

I mean, I know more than a couple guys our age living in mexico who had sex with prostitutes at young ages in order to alleviate themselves of their burdensome virginity.

He-Alex: Jesus, that seems like desperate measures, but I guess that’s the point. It’s a matter of pride to have fucked and if you haven’t you’re just another punk. But you’re saying that for women, they’d be ashamed to lose their virginity? That may have been true back in the day, but is it now?

She-Alex: I think it’s still true. I was raised and still consider myself Catholic, so the idea of having done something shameful by having had sex before being married is not foreign to me.

He-Alex: Ok, I see that. I mean, I’m not trying to get into your personal motivations, but for me Catholicism has always been regarded as something to reject wholeheartedly so perhaps I just can’t relate. But I do realize it’s a strong motivator, or inhibitor as it were.

Do you think men just don’t believe in the Pope’s bullshit? Or does Catholicism just reinforce embedded desires to maintain virginity in women?

She-Alex: That’s interesting. I can’t, obviously, speak for all women (or men), but society really does teach the vagina’d among us that “giving up” or “losing” our virginity is traumatic and a major life change. I mean, really. Just look at the language involved. I suspect that’s not really the case for men, no?

He-Alex: No, it’s like the best day ever. Do you think the giving up and losing notions are related to the HYMEN!?? ‘Cause our cocks are hard and ready to penetrate at like birth.

She-Alex: Ew. Baby boners. Yeah, depending how you look at it, we’re at a biological disadvantage when it comes to virginity. We’re like Snapple bottles in that sense. You can’t re-pop that cap. And we’re slightly fruity. Although many people will admit to having their hymens broken at some point before their first time. I’m starting to wonder if the hymen isn’t a myth, like the Easter Bunny or world peace.

He-Alex: Hehehe, or God. But there’s more than just cherrypopping fear going on with this culture-wide predisposition against sex, right? Isn’t it just a futile attempt to control and prevent teen pregnancy?

She-Alex: Yeah. There is some logically sound reasoning at work behind the fear-mongering. If you don’t have sex, you can’t get pregnant. Unless you’re in that quinceañera movie. Latinas are just that fertile.

He-Alex: Don’t women, ahem YOU, give up on the notion that virginity is something we need to cherish and maintain relatively soon after going to college? Or leaving their parents’ house and gettng drunk?

She-Alex: I don’t think virginity should be cherished anymore, no. But I do think people should be responsible about sex and doing what works for you. and if that means waiting until marriage, I’m all for it.

He-Alex: Ok, ok sure. I’m not saying people shouldn’t wait until marriage if they so please. We’re taking about societal/religious norms. That’s not as much a conscious choice. It’s imposed upon us.

She-Alex: Do you know what really irks me about the abstinence movement in this country? Purity rings. And purity balls. And the whole concept of purity, really. You’re either pure or… sullied? Should I be wearing, like, a dirty no-good slut ring? Does it come in my birthstone?

He-Alex: Haha yes most likely. Or just keep wearing outfits to make you look like a whore from the future. But yeah, sex isn’t regarded as pure ever. Even I, who loves sex, still thinks of it, deep down, as a dirty act.

She-Alex: I wore such an outfit for a date night and it made for an amazing morning-after subway ride home.

He-Alex: Oh shit. The ride of shame.

She-Alex: No shame. I looked awesome.

He-Alex: But yeah, sex isn’t regarded as pure ever. Even I, who loves sex, still thinks of it deep down as a dirty act. I have always thought that I’ve had a “dirty mind.” And I can explain it by either just being born horny, or being born evil. Not necessarily good.

She-Alex: Right? But it isn’t dirty unless it is done right. To paraphrase… someone. Mae West? Why does sex get such a bad rep? It’s like we’re taught that it’s a necessary evil. One scene that has really seared its way onto my brain is the sex-through-a-sheet scene from Como Agua Para Chocolate. its what i reference in our Alex vs. Alex intro.

He-Alex: Right but how do you get to all the good parts with only one hole in a sheet? I’m used to working two at a time, so that would be a problem.

She-Alex: Save me a seat in Hell.

He-Alex: Oversharing?

She-Alex: No such thing. Ask Alisa. Speaking of which, this has yet to address the Latino double standard of homosexuality. Gabriel once wrote a feature about men needing to lose their virginity trumping fears about homosexuality. And of course everyone knows two women having sex is, like, not possible unless a guy is there to watch it happen.

He-Alex: Hehe, well it’s so much fun to watch.

She-Alex: I have a video of k.d. lang I’ll send you sometime.

He-Alex: HOT. But spell that out a bit. Are you saying that for Latinos, homosexuality is more ok for men than women? Is it ok at all? I would have thought all the Catholicism would have clouded our minds re either sexual DEVIANCE.

She-Alex: Well. Sometimes I suspect that man’s PRIMAL NEED to fuck trumps the fact that the receptacle might be male. After all, it’s only gay if you receive. Ask anyone! And female sexuality only exists for men. Obvs.

He-Alex: Right, right, right. I’m feeling you on that.

She-Alex: So if two lesbians scissor at Lilith Fair, back behind the Port-a-Potties, and no dude is around to see it… Did it ever really happen? Because otherwise, someone needs to explain why I’m tagged in this Facebook album.

He-Alex: HAHAHA. Dang you got down at the Lillith fair? That’s like when I got sucked off in the men’s room at a Spice Girls concert.

She-Alex: I was being totally facetious. I don’t wear Birkenstocks or kerchiefs.

He-Alex: Oh. Me too.

She-Alex: Mm hmm.

He-Alex: It was during “2 Become 1!” What can I say; I’m a hopeless romantic.

She-Alex: We’ve all been there, friend. And we’ve all been doused in body glitter while there, too. So what conclusion have we come to? Sex is bad. Especially when its good. And our culture, mostly thanks to machismo and religion, is making us secret downlow whores whose genitals turn into magnets during Spice Girls songs. Am I missing anything?

He-Alex: Also, hymens are like unicorns.

So, all you virgins who can’t drive, send your questions for us for next week to either alejandra@guanabee.com or alejandro.paz@guanabee.com. You can also find us each on Twitter