Ch-Ch-Changes: Rating Eva Longoria’s 80,000 Wardrobe Changes At The ALMA Awards

Hey, do you know who produces the ALMA Awards? Eva Longoria Sarah Jessica Parker Posey! You can tell because she names herself host of this every. Single. Year. And if her charisma / wigs don’t move you to tears (of joy, obviously) you can always take delight in watching her change her outfit 50 million times. Kidding. She only changed 8 times, probably because there’s a recession. Last year, she wore no less than 10 different dresses, each with a different hairstyle. 

So why don’t we take a moment and break down all eight outfits Eva wore last night during the Eva Longoria Show ALMA Awards ceremony? Here we go:

Caliente Pocket

The hem of the dress is curling in an odd way, almost as if it was hemmed improperly. Which only makes this seem even more like Eva is wearing a Hot Pocket sleeve. They are hard to tailor. 

Heidi’s Quinces Extravaganza

We’re not a big fan of florals, but we can admit this is kind of pretty. We find the print interesting and we love the neckline, but we hate the tiers and don’t think the hair does anything to complete this look. We are now in the mood for hot chocolate and a black and white cookie, though.

This Looks Like The Muñequita 6-Year-Olds In Hialeah Put On Top Of Their Birthday Cakes

And that’s why we love it. 

‘Sup J. Lo

There are quite a few things we like about this look: Her hair is big, her chesticles are looking spectacular, and the dress looks like maybe she picked a fight with a shark and won. And the tequila. We like the tequila. So maybe that’s why this dress has such distracting and heinous sleeves - to hide a bottle of Cuervo? 

Something Snarky Goes Here

Love the cut, love the color, love the hair, tolerate the makeup. It looks a little bridal, though, which might be apt given the ALMA Awards is Eva’s chance to make people cry and hope there’s a lot of alcohol later.

Green With Apathy

The green really brings out the florescent tangerine that is Eva’s fake bake. Ladies, please stop doing this to yourselves.

We’re Getting Sleepy Now

This color is gorgeous. We’ve seen this dress from the side and the tiers actually have this cool effect where they sort of mimic a Victorian bustle. That said, the tiers paired with that fabric shoulder growth really overwhelms Eva’s tiny figure. Take it from a fellow tiny person, Eva: Go with simple silhouettes and minimal accessories. And futuristic whore shoes. 

Girl, Hold My Earrings. It’s On.

+75,000 points for wearing hoops. Good job, Eva.