Jennifer Lopez’s Miami Home Is Made Of Dreams, Unicorns

Hello, Guanaburgers.

It is I, Jennifer Lopez de Anthony. I have come onto this web-thing to give you a tour of my fabulous Miami apartment. Do you like it? It cost three hundred million bagillion money-coins. I know this because I keep track of my expenses, for I am real. Yes, I am. And blocky. From the block that is Ocean Drive. 

My home is what is called a “luxury condom,” my darlings, flung into my heart by my darling husband, Marc. 

Did you want a silly quote full of fluff about my apartment? Well then I shall give you one. No, I will not. Yes I will. Here it is:

“At this time in my life, with my babies, husband and home everything feels complete,” says Jennifer, who love spending nights with loved ones. “I find it sexy to stay home - to me, that’s the best place to be.”

Was that not stupid? I will let you in on a little secret, my little Guanabastards: It is a lie! I’ve only been in this apartment maybe, what? Twice? And I hate staying in at night with loved ones because it is tiresome to have to fling chunks of raw sirloin into Marc’s cage every hour on the hour lest he eat one of the babies. 

Also, do you like this painting? It is of me, in the future. It was painted by a psychic albino elephant. Very expensive:

Now I shall give you another silly quote:

“The going-out-and-being-glam thing gets old fast,” says Jennifer, who treasures family private time. “I look forward to enjoying the sunlight and playing with my kids.” Thanks to her home’s many floor-to-ceiling windows, her wish will come true.

Another lie, Guanablisters! While I do look forward to the sunlight (we usually have to keep all of it out during the day if Marc is home, on his perch), I often forget I have kids, let alone make time to play with them. I’d rather play Age of Empires while shouting at Consuelo to keep them quiet. I have conquered Turkey! And Riverside, Bronx.

Anyway. As you can see, I made this room, pictured below, purple. I don’t recall why, really. It is basically the most terrible shade of purple I’ve ever seen. I believe I had just made it through my second bottle of grape sizzurp and needed to quickly hide the resulting mess before Marc awakened from his slumber to shriek at the moon with an unholy sound. The disco ball mirrors were from Ikea:

I hope you enjoyed my tour, Guanabeans. Besos!

J. Lo & Marc’s Family Home in Miami [inTouch, print]