A Letter To Jessica Alba
26 September 2009, 10:20 AM. By Alex Alvarez
Dear Jess,
Can we call you Jess? No, hush. Don’t speak. Now is the time to listen. Jessiepoo, as you know, you are not an ugly girl. You are, in fact, probably one of the best-looking women in the cesspool that is Young Hollywood. This might lead you to think that your looks will help carry you through a number of things, like that time you made Latinos omgsoangry and then had to appear on the cover of Latina and say unnecessary things - like that you hoped your baby was brown. Or your continued need to dye your hair blonde.
We realize it might be for a movie role, Jesserée. Maybe Fantastic Four XXII: Yet Another Movie of Yours We Will Probably Not See Unless it Plays During a Flight and, Even Then, We’ll Probably Try to Fall Asleep or Play Sudoku Instead. But maybe you can wear a wig instead?
It just looks like the bleach might be damaging your hair. Or that your hairline is receding? We know it probably isn’t, which is why this color is particularly unflattering. It takes away from your pretty face, Jessandra! It also makes it look as if you have come to our planet to learn our ways and eventually present a comprehensive Power Point project on all that you’ve gathered. Alienesque, you know?
Also? Your dress looks like motel lobby carpeting. Your makeup is awesome though. And we really loved you in… Hm. We just love you! You’re the bomb, Jesselynn. Especially as a brunette. Please don’t go blonde again. Please.
xo
Honor Marie
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Nice try Alex, but: FAIL!!!!!
You’re not Jessica Morgan or Heather Cocks. Deal with it!
I also cover celebrity gossip and weird news and I’m neither Perez Hilton nor Michael K. So. I’m not sure what your point is.
I like this blog and all. But…does anybody ever proofread the posts? Every time I’ve read one, there are several typos…
You know, I used to get quite incensed about this sort of thing, but the reality is that 99% of blogs don’t seem to proof read or fact check their posts. It’s true. It’s not the New Yorker, but I guess they must have some sort of standards. Anyway, I don’t see any flagrant misuse of grammar or spelling here. Maybe I’m just dumb. Or maybe you’re one of those people who seem to go around the internets defending random celebrities from the sting of barbed-tongued bloggers.
Oh, trust me, I dislike Jessica Alba’s current hair colour as much as the next person. The typos were mysteriously (and thankfully) corrected. Well done, Guanabee! I still have faith in you!
xo
She looks so awful as a blonde. Couldn’t she get a better colorist? Her hair has that brassy orange tint you get when your hair is very dark brown and you try to bleach it at home with a store-bought blonding kit. You know what I mean! There are many exemplars of this disastrous alchemy walking the streets of LA and NYC as we speak. Get thee to a good colorist, Jess! There’s still time.