Stuff That Is Gay: Levi Johnston Has A Lot To Say About Sarah Palin’s Parenting Skillz, Playgirl

Levi Johnston knows very well what butters his bread: Publicly talking smack about his would-be mother-in-law, Sarah Palin. He’s been putting more effort piggybacking onto her special brand of fame than one trying to make a name for himself (that name being, specifically, Hollywood Ricky) in his own right. And, frankly, we like it that way. Here are a few new revelations Levi’s shared with Vanity Fair - a publication increasingly obsessed with writing about Palin, despite her growing irrelevance:

• Sarah Palin couldn’t spit-roast a timber wolf if her life depended on it.

Says culinary expert Levi, whilst shirtless:

The Palin house was much different from what many people expect of a normal family, even before she was nominated for vice president. There wasn’t much parenting in that house. Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook—the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school. Most of the time Bristol would help her youngest sister with her homework, and I’d barbecue chicken or steak on the grill.

• She wanted to adopt Bristol’s child, perhaps in the hopes of raising it to be… exactly like Bristol:

Sarah told me she had a great idea: we would keep it a secret—nobody would know that Bristol was pregnant. She told me that once Bristol had the baby she and Todd would adopt him. That way, she said, Bristol and I didn’t have to worry about anything. Sarah kept mentioning this plan. She was nagging—she wouldn’t give up. She would say, “So, are you gonna let me adopt him?” 

• Palin is all about the Benjamins:

Sarah was sad for a while. She walked around the house pouting. I had assumed she was going to go back to her job as governor, but a week or two after she got back she started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make “triple the money.” It was, to her, “not as hard.” She would blatantly say, “I want to just take this money and quit being governor.”

But enough about her. She’s insane and ambitious and ruthless: We done gets it! Let’s focus on Levi. Intently:

Well, that was probably the gayest thing we’ve ever seen. And not, like “Oh that’s so stupid.” We mean, like, this is Elton John in Cherry Grove waxing Clay Aiken while Gloria Gaynor and Bette Midler vogue on banquet levels of gay. Exhibit A:

Shhh. The shame is what makes it hot.

Exhibit B:

Jerks. A whole circle of them.

Exhibit C: The Playgirl (Our former employer! R.I.P.) conversation. “We’re in this together.” As much as we wish Playgirl were still around so that we could see whether Levi is a “two leaf” kind of dude, we have no wish to see Tank naked. Ok, we lie. We lie so hard. We want to see them both nude and wrestling, in slow-motion, in a wading fool full of tapioca pudding. Just as long as we don’t have to hear about Sarah or Bristol Palin ever again.

Levi Johnston: “Me and Mrs. Palin” [Vanity Fair]