PANAMANIAC!: Unknown Creature Beaten To Death By Teenagers In Panama
17 September 2009, 1:21 PM. By Alex Alvarez
"I'll... be... right... here."
A yet-unidentified creature has been discovered in Cerro Azul, Panama. A group of four teenagers raging from age 14 through 16 were startled by a five-foot tall fleshy, humanoid specimen, which emerged from a cave and began climbing rocks towards them. Terrified, the teens beat the creature with sticks and stones before throwing it into the water and running away. Unfair. He may have still been completely employable.
Some Panamian blogs are speculating that the creature is an extraterrestrial, come to Earth on its gently glowing Heartship to teach us the meaning of love, family and friendship, only to be brutally slaughtered by some teenagers. Try and phone home now, YOU THING WHICH WE CANNOT UNDERSTAND!
The following day, the teens’ parents went to the spot where they had left the creature and discovered its body washed up onto the shore.
People the world over are chiming in with their theories on what this might be, with some speculating it’s a sloth that either has alopecia or has been shaved, with others pointing out that sloths have different noses and eyes that are closer together. One poster suggests this may just be a nasty prank - if it is a sloth, it may have been shaved or waxed to look like something… a little different. We’re undecided. Compare the Panamaniac’s nose and head shape to the one on this ‘lil guy:
However, the sloth theory is supported by the presence of what appears to be a claw-like hand (which you can see in the top left image above). You can also make out what appears to be a patch of dark hair sprouting from the animal’s lower belly.
The picture below is apparently the same creature a few days after the kids had done away with it and it had been picked apart by buzzards (we don’t buy it though - the rocks he’s laying on look different from those in the picture above):
Jacobo Arauz, a zoologist, opined the creature was likely to be a mutation of some form of sloth.
Hm. Anyone see Marc Anthony lately?
Hallan criatura extraña en Cerro Azul [Telemetro]
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it’s a real life pokemon!
i so agree!
that looks like my tio when he gets borracho and passes out in the front yard…
it kind of reminds me of the creature thing from Pans Labyrinth.
Did anyone check it for eye balls in its hands?
Punks killed a tree sloth. Poor little, hairless monster.
You know what? If that thing was coming after me like that I would have done the same thing, You think they knew what it was? No. Imagine that thing coming after you would’nt you try to kill it too?
Anyways, This could have just been a prank, like they said. You never really know the truth.
srry it my sister ……i didnt tie the brick hard enough