Juanes Simply Hates His New Mansion

Peace-loving singer Juanes is unhappy with the construction of his custom-built, multi-million dollar Miami mansion. According to the entertainer, whose new home is constructed almost entirely of crystallized Panamaniac tears and the ground bones of stillborn angels, the rambling home is much too fancy and ostentatious for his more humble, down-home taste. 

He blames this on his manager, who apparently advised him that, in his new, posh Miami neighborhood, a more simple home would stick out like a sore thumb among all the garish McMansions that line that fair city’s sun-kissed shores.

The house, as TVyNovelas makes sure to mention, doesn’t even include a jacuzzi, like so many of the neighboring homes. It does, however, include a place for Juanes to park his boat as well as a, and we quote, “walking closet.” Ay, coño, pero que casa más sensilla. Bien classy, eso. But does the water run?

Mind you, the house is not exactly in its first stages of being built, so it seems a little late in the game for Juanes to voice a complaint. He’s decided to deal with this by eschewing placing columns along the house’s façade and instead covering the front of the home with various trees. Diamond-bearing trees dotted with mechanical golden birds. 

Anyway, good for Juanes for having something resembling taste. But that’s just not going to fly in a place like Miami. His other choice, of course, is to buy a modest three-bedroom in Westchester or La Souwesera, uproot all the grass growing in the front lawn, and pave it all with cement, which he must then paint green so its looks, like, all natural and shit and not totally random or stupid. A white plaster (or plastic, whatever) statue of La Virgensita or a couple of oversized lions would also add a touch of ass. Class. We mean class.

[TVyNovelas, print version]