Ten Things To Do With Your Leftover Halloween Candy

Halloween’s over and now that the sugar hangover is setting in, the remorse of having inhaled half of your candy stash in about 48 hours is making you realize what a fat loser you are. Never fear. There are about a dozen good causes that can make good use of your leftover sweets and help you feel better about yourself in the process. Here are ten:

Sell It To A Dentist Who’ll Send It To Our Troops

Kids, you need your teeth. Those guys in Iraq? They might not be needing them as long, so make their day by selling your leftover Smarties for a dollar a pound to your dentist who will donate that shit to the United Way who will send it to the boys and girls in service. Everyone wins except the ones who die in the war. But at least they had a last Reese’s cup.

Help Someone Get Free Braces With It

Another version of the dentist candy-buyback donates $1 a pound to Smiles Change Lives which gives braces to underprivilaged kids. Why should your rich ass be the only one with a nice smile?

Food Banks Will Gladly Take It

It seems that poor people like candy, too, you elitist slob. So, quit bogarting the Snickers and share the love. You can find a local food bank here.

Donate It To An Old Folks Home

When you’re trying to unload unhealthy sugar items, you need to ask yourself, “Who doesn’t have long to live?” Old people! Sure, half of them are diabetic, but at this point, who’s counting? They’ll just be thrilled to see someone walk through the door to deliver it.

If You Still Have The Receipt, Return That Shiz

As long as you didn’t buy it after Halloween on super discount special, that Halloween candy is totally returnable goods. Provided you haven’t opened the package, of course. What could be better than not inhaling another 1000 calories and making yourself back a few extra bucks?

FLAVORED VODKA!

Okay this one takes more work on your part, and technically, it might result in you ingesting more candy, but fucking A. Did you know that you can make flavored vodka from candy corn? This website says you can! In fact, there are all sorts of kick ass recipes you can make with candy that are sure to raise your self-esteem when your family and friends get a load of your talent and creativity.

Donate It To A Women’s Shelter

Dude, women’s shelters are full of kids. Kids who come from homes where their dads beat their moms. Who could be in greater need of chocolate than these people?

Use It For Science Experiments

Holy crap, you can actually gain points for being a good parent/uncle/aunt/creepy neighbor with this one. Turns out you can talk kids out of eating all the Halloween candy if you let them set fire to some of it in the microwave. One mom made a whole website out of candy experiments. Says she:

Test your candy in water, in oil, in soda, in the microwave, in the oven, or in the freezer. Try sinking, floating, stretching, stirring, mixing colors, painting with it, or sticking it together.

One cool experiment we can’t wait to try:

The Color Separation test with Halloween M&M’s. The new black M&M is really a concentrated brown, mixed with several different colors.

Drop It By Your Local Firehouse

Another group probably not overly concerned with a few thousand extra calories? The guys who walk into burning buildings for a living. They need something to combat the stress and it’s safer than smoking.

Create Christmas Ornaments

Christmas will be here long before the candy rots and all it takes is a little creativity and some acrylic sealant to make all sorts of stuff you can hang on the Christmas tree. And a beautiful environment always makes us feel better.