Five People We’d Rather See Replace Lou Dobbs Than John King

Have you heard John King is replacing Lou “I hate Mexicans, so I sleep with one” Dobbs on CNN? It’s true! That boring schmoe. Look, CNN, if you’re going to placate the Latino “winds of change,” don’t go half-ass. Here’s a list of five journalists that would really spice things up around there.

Geraldo Rivera

Instead of being an old, white conservative on a liberal news network, (360, our ass), Geraldo’s an outspoken, His Panic (har!) on a conservative, white network. He’s a Puerto Rican Jew from New York so he doesn’t hate Mexicans the way the Cubans from Miami do. (We’re looking at you, Rick Sanchez.) And he’s not afraid to take on the Lou Dobbs of the world.

Maria Hinojosa

You can’t listen to veteran PBS and NPR host Maria Hinojosa without feeling like you just got a chancletazo from your madre. Even if you’re white. Especially if you’re white and you’re a racist minuteman hiding behind the guise of “patriotism.” Listen to this clip from an interview she did for PBS’ NOW with just one such loser named Chris Simcox who founded the Minuteman Civil Defense Corp.

El Piolín

Eddie “Piolín” Sotelo has the biggest morning show in Los Angeles which has to be the place with the most cars in America, so that’s saying something. Especially for an illegal alien whose show is completely in Spanish. And let’s face it, with CNN’s ratings in LAST PLACE, they need some Piolín magic to save them. Who better to debate the realities of the American immigration system than someone who is living it? Plus who else has the interview skills to get Teddy Kennedy to sing “Ay, Jalisco No Te Rajes” while (presumably) sober?

Jorge Ramos

The only reason anyone watches CNN anymore is for Anderson Cooper. If you want to get the Latinos, too, get the Latino Anderson Cooper, Jorge Ramos. Not only is he foin, he has written extensively about illegal immigration and has a few polarizing opinions about the English-only debate that will equal a ratings bonanza. Hallo.

The Guy Who Yells Gooooooool!

How can we say this? CNN is boring! You need to spice that shit up, and nothing, NOTHING spices up a broadcast like a Latino man screaming Goooooool! Enter Andres Cantor, sportscaster for Telemundo. Imagine if you will: The Senate passes the healthcare bill. Gooooool! The US pulls out of Afghanistan. Gooooool! They pass a law that says the Post Office has to pay you back when they lose your mail. Goooooooolazo! Man, we’d watch every day.