Charlie Sheen Responds To Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card

Charlie Sheen returned to The Dan Patrick Show, his preferred communication portal to earth, to respond to Chuck Lorre's recent comments about him in the credits of Two and a Half Scruples. He also had some advice for fellow waste case Lindsay Lohan. And most importantly, there was more talk about his mysterious girlfriend! He still won't tell us who she is, but we learned in this set of incoherent ramblings that he's in love! "100% What's not to love? You should see this one." Which obvs means silicone boobs for dayz. We also learned that she's not an actress, which Charlie says is "refreshing!", and that she sleeps in the middle of the bed. Perhaps because she is often fighting for real estate with the many porn stars parading in and out of Charlie's home. Charles also says the world will know who this wonder woman is soon enough.

Getting back to Chuck Lorre, though, Charlie says he took Lorre's most recent public comments about him in the credits of Two and a Half Steps Closer To Satan as "a gigantic compliment." That would be the so-called vanity card where Lorre listed the myriad ways he takes care of his body–not drinking, not smoking or using drugs, exercise, yada yada–and then said that if Charlie Sheen lives longer than him, he's going to be pissed off. "He basically wrote a brilliant little piece of literature and called me Superman. Don't people get it?" Is that what you get from it, Charlie? Well, God bless you. It really is an addict's world and we're just living in it.

Charlie also told Dan that he was unaware the entire world was analyzing his last appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, reminding Dan that he doesn't watch anything other than Two and a Half Men. And porn, of course. Yes, if anyone wants to have a real intervention with Chuckles, they're going to have to film a porn in Galician, the mother tongue of Charlie's ancestors, and then have the messages of recovery held up in front of the actresses' cooches or whatever the Galician word for cooches is.

He also claims he's never showed up on the set of Not Even Two and a Half Scraps of Integrity drunk or high, but he did show up without enough sleep a couple of times. Oh sure. We believe you, Charlie. And with the experience, strength and hope he's gained at the rehab in his home porn theater, Charlie had this piece of advice for La Lohan who he would also probably try to sleep with if given even a modicum of a chance. "Try to work on your impulse control. Just think about things before you do them." Really? Really? God bless you, Charlie Sheen.