A 9 year-old Rio Grande Valley girl from Pharr, Texas got her Christmas wish when she turned in a letter to Santa at her school Thursday that asked for her 55 year-old relative, Andres Enrique Cantu, to “stop touching” her and her sister. The school’s counselor called Children’s Advocacy Center in Edinburg, Texas who interviewed the girl the next day. Cantu was arrested on Friday and charged with continuous sexual abuse of a young child. Investigators believe the abuse has carried on for four years. His bond was set at $100,000 and he could face 25 to 99 years in prison if convicted. Way to go, Santa.

Girl asks Santa to stop her relative’s molestation [McAllen Monitor]

If Santa Clos was from Northern Mexico instead of the North Pole he’d totes get on this Accordion Hero idea stat. Alas, the image at right is only the cover art for Ramon Ayala’s latest greatest hits compilation. This made for some pretty confusing googling because a German site called Schadenfreude also created a parody site for a fictitious game of Accordion Hero. Someone even made a commercial for it. And though one computer geek did manage to hack an accordian into his Guitar Hero, mass production of this bad baby seems to be but a pipe dream at this point. Still we have the commercial after the jump.

Accordion Hero-Ramon Ayala Album [Freddie Records]
Accordian Hero parody [Schadenfreude]

Camilo Lara of Mexican Institute of Sound was kind enough to send us a couple of tracks from his forthcoming album Soy Sauce, due out in April of next year. We’re particularly fond of his cover of “Bittersweet Symphony” á la drunken mariachi serenade. He kind of changes the lyrics to say something about loving his mole. (That’s the food not the beauty mark.) He was, perhaps drunk when he recorded it? The other track, “Te Quiero Mucho,” features Camilo exercising his phone sex voice, but it’s too short! Only 2:02. You can’t wind us up like that and then just leave us with blue ears, Camilo. We can’t wait to get our hands on the whole album, but until then “Sinfonía Agridulce” and “Te Quiero Mucho” are after the jump for you to listen to, download, pirate, mix. Whatever. Camilo says it’s out. It’s yours. Feliz Navidad.

Te Quiero Mucho
Sinfonía Agridulce

Image [MIS MySpace]

Thirty one year-old Jose O. Sucuzhanay, an Ecuadorian-born realtor living in the Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York died Friday night after he was brutally beaten with a bottle and a baseball bat in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, December 7. The attackers shouted gay and Hispanic slurs. This marks the third murder and fourth hate crime in the northeastern United States against Latinos since July of this year. In July, Luis Ramirez, an illegal Mexican immigrant living in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania was beaten to death by a group of four teenagers, members of the local high school football team. In August, Joseph “Papa Joe” Papapietro of the Port Richmond neighborhood of Staten Island, New York repeatedly rammed his pickup truck into three storefronts owned by Mexican merchants while shouting racist slurs causing tens of thousands of dollars of damage. And last month, seven Patchogue-Medford High School students hunted and stabbed Marcelo Lucero to death in Patchogue, Long Island after drinking some beer and deliberately setting out to attack “a Mexican.” (Lucero was Ecuadorian.)

The latest attack happened a week ago Sunday while Sucuzhanay and his brother Romel were walking home from a bar, arm in arm, when three men jumped out of a maroon or red sport utility vehicle and attacked them. It’s now been a week and there are still no leads on the attackers with only one being described as “six feet tall and thin wearing a black leather jacket, boots, dark jeans and a dark baseball cap during the attack.” A reward of $22,000 is being offered for information.

During a time when the country’s first black president is inspiring hope for a more tolerant future, the FBI reports that hate crimes against hispanics grew by 40% from 2003 to 2007. Over the same period of time, the growth of overall hate crime has remained steady. An article in Newsday offers some statistics many Latinos already know too well.

“We do know from reports and from hate-group activity that there’s a new focus on the Latino and immigrant populations,” said Randy Blazak, director of the Hate Crimes Research Network at Portland State University Oregon.

Since 2004, Blazak said, Ku Klux Klan rhetoric has take an “incredible shift from anti-black diatribes” toward hatred directed at Latinos.

The below video from a local news station of Shenandoah, Pennsylvania citizens supporting the young men accused of killing Luis Ramirez seem to illustrate this point. Watch for a woman named Debbie Rabbold at the end who asks, “Well, if he hadn’t been here, would he have died?” Genius pool, people, really.

And here’s footage of the indictment in the Marcelo Lucero case on Long Island describing the premeditated hunting of Mexicans.

Original Video- More videos at TinyPic

Mexican’s Death Bares a Town’s Ethnic Tension [NY Times]
FBI finds attacks against Latinos on rise [Newsday]
Hate Attack on Immigrant in Brooklyn [El Diario/La Prensa translated by New American Media]
Staten Island man charged with bashing storefronts [SILive]

The American publishers of Playboy magazine, ensconced in their giant snow bunny tower somewhere over Chicago, have issued an apology to Catholics everywhere for the Mexican Playboy issue that hit newsstands last week with Maria Florencia Onori on the cover wearing nothing but a veil and a come-hither look in her eyes. The headline reads, “Te Adoramos, Maria,” (We Adore You, Mary), but Playboy Mexico publisher Raul Sayrols, a licensee who the American corporation claims did not get their permission, says their intention was never to portray her as the Virgen de Guadalupe. So, she’s the Virgen de Titicaca? Or The Grand Tetons? Or Machupichu? We could go on. (La Santa Sierra Madre? Sorry.)

The cover was also perfectly timed to arrive on the stands just days before the feast of the Immaculate Conception and the feast of the Virgen De Guadalupe which is the biggest religious holiday in Mexico, not to mention one of the biggest religious holidays in the world. So, you know, you’re not fooling anyone, Raul. Just own that marketing genius. After all, you printed 100, 000 copies of your “Renaissance-like” cover. And cash is the one item of worship everyone can agree on.

Earlier: Video: Playboy Mexico Helps Christmas Come Early With Maria Florencia Onori Posing As The Virgin Mary. Or Just Mary.

Nude Virgin Mary cover prompts Playboy apology [Reuters]

Based on Roger Ebert’s Chicago Sun-Times column this week, it looks like the great, white masses may hear about the little, middle-class Latino film that could, after all.

Every once in a while, you sense you’re watching actors being allowed to do what they hoped to do when they got into show biz. That would be playing characters familiar to their experience, in a warm-hearted story, without exploitation and without a “message” as much as the right kind of feeling. Oh, they wanted to make blockbusters, too, and cavort with superheroes and be in great love scenes and get to drive fast and dodge bullets and plunge into deep drama and tear their hearts out and win Oscars. But those things are less rare than such a movie as Alfredo de Villa’s “Nothing Like the Holidays.”

Nothing Like The Holidays opened today nationwide.

Nothing Like the Holidays [RogerEbert.com]
Earlier: Guanabee Cruises LA With Nothing Like The Holidays Writer Rick Najera

Guillermo Del Toro–the awesomest Mexican director of our time–has announced that, um, he can’t shoot any more movies in Mexico. And it’s all because of asshole kidnappers. Del Toro’s father was kidnapped ten years ago and though he was eventually released, not all his captors were apprehended and Del Toro has received death threats since. The problem with shooting in his native country, he says, is that his every move is reported in the press. Damn you, media. This is sad news. We recently had the opportunity to meet one of Del Toro’s collaborators on Hellboy, Hellboy II and Pan’s Labyrinth who told us the exact same story and Mexican citizens recently marched in Mexico City to protest the situation which is kept alive by a corrupt law enforcement system that is often on the take.

Afraid of kidnappings, Guillermo Del Toro won’t make another film in Mexico [NY Daily News]
Earlier: Mexicans Plan Historic, Million Man, Silent March Against Kidnappings This Saturday

You might recall today is national Day Without A Gay–the day gay rights activists have asked all Americans to call in to work gay to protest the passing of Proposition 8 anti-gay marriage legislation in California. Unfortunately, the mere fact that we’re typing you this message means we didn’t call in gay, but hey, we have the job of spreading the word!

So, how are real Americans in real red states reacting to this never before seen show of organization from los gays? We took a look at the comments on the Houston Chronicle’s story about real! Houstonians! calling in gay! and while a lot of readers are supportive of the measure, there seems to be some confusion about why protesters are calling in gay.

Kermit45 wrote:
I can’t beiieve no one here knows why people are doing this. It is because of the ignorant claiming that homosexuality is a disease. Therefore, if they are sick, then they are calling in sick. They are trying to make the point that being who they are shouldn’t be considered sick.

Hmmm. We don’t think that’s exactly right. Though it is creative. Leilarose68 seems to be closer to the right answer, in spite of herself.

This is beyond stupid and senseless. It’s their choice to be gay, fine, but they are now forcing it upon others by doing this and ITS PLAIN WRONG…
I hope to see employers FIRE the people (at their discretion) who call in “a gay day”.
CAN I CALL IN A “BLONDE DAY”?
I know, i know, im missing the point my dear gay friend tells me. I GET THE POINT….BUT THIS IS EFFECTING COMPANIES IN A VERY VOLITILE TIME therefore it effects all of us eventually …..by HURTING ALL OF US.
This is just stupid and wrong and thats my story and im sticking to it dammit.

Yes, Leilarose. It is affecting companies at a very “VOLITILE” time in the only place anyone really cares about–the wallet. And that is the point of calling in gay today. To show big business just how many gays and gay supporters affect their bottom line. So, think about it people. And remember, National Day Without A Gay is not just a day for you to stay home and eat Cheetos in your underwear while perusing Manhunt. No! This day was orchestrated to coincide with International Human Rights Day, so those afflicted with gay are encouraged to donate their day to community service. You can search for opportunities in your area here. And just for today, we’ll lower our freak flag in honor of a rainbow one.

Some Houstonians ‘calling in gay’ [Houston Chronicle]
Day Without A Gay [Official Site]

Emilio Navaira underwent more surgery last week at an undisclosed San Antonio hospital to remove an infection of the skull flap. Um, ewwwww. You might recall the Tejano superstar almost killed himself and his bandmates on Easter Sunday of this year when he decided to commandeer his tour bus outside Houston whilst under the influence of a few (dozen.) It wasn’t the first time he was busted drinking and driving, either, but fate seems to smile bright on this lucky SOB.

His brother and bandmate Raul Navaira told San Antonio news affiliate KSAT that the family noticed Emilio was feeling tired lately, not able to keep up his daily running routine. When they noticed swelling on his head, they rushed him to the hospital where surgery was performed immediately. Doctors had to remove a bone to get rid of the infection, but he recovered so well, he was only worried about watching the Cowboys game on Sunday night. It seems his brain fared much better than the Cowboys’ defense.

Emilio Stable Following Brain Surgery [KSAT]

Emilio Navaira’s Suing Bandmates Say They’re Still A Family. (That Needs Al-Anon.)

Daddy Yankee was in San Antonio last week at the Museo Alameda–”the nation’s largest Latino museum and first formal Smithsonian affiliate”–because we live in a country where a man who waxes cars with women’s asses, if that man is Latino, can be honored by our nations most prestigious institutions. In addition to misspelling the word “regaetton,” a press release emailed to us from the museum told the entire, sordid tale:

Latino music superstar Daddy Yankee was honored [...] for his contributions to Latino arts and culture in the United States and abroad. Ramón (Raymond) Ayala, known artistically as Daddy Yankee, received a proclamation from San Antonio Mayor Phil Hardberger naming him an “Emissary of the Muses” for his artistic achievements.

“Daddy Yankee is the embodiment of the Latino experience in America,” said Henry R. Munoz III, founding chairman of the Museo Alameda.

Our puffy taco just herniated a little.

The New York Times feels obliged to let you know that the Spanish and Portuguese are largely bespeckled with “non-Christian genetic heritage.” Which explains so much, really. Don’t act like you don’t know what we mean.

Some 20 percent of the present population of the Iberian peninsula has Sephardic Jewish ancestry, and 11 percent bear Moorish DNA signatures, a team of geneticists reports.

Up until now, the ruling consensus was that Jews, Muslims and Christians were hatched from separate pods on respective planets far, far away from each other. Now, thanks to a team of biologists led by Mark A. Jobling of the University of Leicester in England and Francesc Calafell of the Pompeu Fabra University in Barcelona, we know that once upon a time, the Spanish forced everyone in their path to convert to Caholicism. Something we had no proof of before. It’s truly groundbreaking.

Jonathan S. Ray, a professor of Jewish studies at Georgetown University [...] raised the question of what the DNA evidence might mean on a personal level. “If four generations on I have no knowledge of my genetic past, how does that affect my understanding of my own religious association?”

We, for one, are going to circumcise everyone in our family for Christmas.

Sephardic Ancestry Common Among Spaniards, Study Says [NY Times]

Radiologists in Columubus, Ohio believe they’ve discovered a new disorder in which teens purposely embed objects inside their own flesh. As pictured here, a teenage girl straightened a paper clip and embedded it in her arm. The discovery came from Nationwide Children’s Hospital where doctors were researching ways to extract items accidentally embedded in the skin. When lo and behold, doctors found out the various objects they were extracting such as needles, staples, wood, stone, glass, pencil lead and crayon were inserted intentionally in at least ten cases.

One patient had inserted 11 objects, including an unfolded metal paper clip more than 6 inches long.

You know, you just name a crazy and there’s someone out there willing to do it. The hospital set up a national registry to track incidents and put research in motion.

Radiologists uncover, label new teen affliction [Chicago Tribune]

Grand Jury indictment charges against Vice President Dick Cheney, former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Texas State Senator Eddie Lucio, Jr. and several other local, South Texas politicians and judges have been dismissed. Judge J. Manuel Bañales threw all eight charges of profiting via prisoner abuse out of his court yesterday because, well, the District Attorney who filed them, Juan Angel Guerra, is kind of off his rocker.

It seems Guerra attempted to get Bañales removed from the case by testifying to Visiting Judge Michael Peden of San Antonio that Bañales is part of a conspiracy against him. Peden ruled on Bañales behalf stating that Guerra had “violated the Texas Code of Criminal Procedure by trying to act as victim, witness and prosecutor in the same cases.” He also said that the Grand Jury indictments were invalid because two of the 12 jurors were acting and not permanent members. In response to the news, a spokesman for Cheney last night said, “What is this South Texas that you speak of?”

Last week Guerra failed to show up at the hearing for his indictments causing local journalists to remind us that this is the same D.A. who recently had some legal troubles of his own brought against him by, surprise, the very same people he was trying to indict. Back then he protested the charges against him by parking a camper in front of a courthouse and tying some livestock to it. It’s all very Rio Grande Valley. You wouldn’t understand.

Judge Bañales warned Guerra, who leaves office Dec. 31, to leave the eight defendants alone during his remaining weeks in office, but Guerra begged Bañales to hold an examining trial to determine if charges of engaging in organized criminal activity against Cheney, Gonzales, private prison operator The GEO Group and GEO official David Forrest are warranted. The judge conceded, but the trial won’t be until January 2, two days after Guerra leaves office. Guerra, of course, said this is a conspiracy.

Willacy County charges dismissed against Cheney, Gonzales, others [The Monitor]
Indictments dismissed [Brownsville Herald]
Indictments against Cheney, Gonzales dismissed [AP]
Earlier: Video: South Texas D.A. Indicting Cheney And Gonzales For Prisoner Abuse Didn’t Show Up To Court

We’re not trying to stereotype anyone, but when we heard that two men in Palm Desert, California pulled guns on each other in a Toys ‘R’ Us Friday after their women companions got into a bloody brawl, we just knew they were Latino. Call us cynical, but who the hell else would be ridiculously macho enough to carry a gun to a toy store? Alejandro Moreno, 39, of Desert Hot Springs, and Juan Meza, 28, of Cathedral City were believed to have known each other according to sheriff’s Investigator Matt Diaz. And the Associated Press says both of the women had children with them. Classy! No matter the reason for the conflict, WTF are people doing carrying guns to a toy store? After the jump, check out video of two unidentified hispanic women in the parking lot of the store, trying to break into a police car and yelling, “You better not hurt my dad! I’m going to kill you!” and being taken away in handcuffs. Oh, and happy holidays, everybody.

Two killed in Toys R Us shooting identified [The Desert Sun]
2 dead after shooting in crowded Toys ‘R’ Us [MSNBC]

This just in: teenagers document their anorexia and bulemia on video and post it to the internet. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! No but, really, Thanksgiving weekend is a good time to thank God you were born into a Latin family where it’s okay, in fact expected, to have a big, fat ass. If you or anyone you love suffers from this disease, give them a big, Latin hug and then pass them a turkey drumstick stat.

The girl in the above pic called, “Karen” (not her real name), started out at 110 lbs and plans to reach 98 lbs–her ideal weight. (Uh, for an 11 year-old, maybe.) Listen, Karen. These videos you shot, are more dull than watching GM ask congress for 8 billion dollars. Seriously, we couldn’t even make it past the first thirty seconds of you pinching yourself in a bikini before we were switching the channel looking for porn. Imagine how your friends must feel. Or guys. If any even talk to you. Look, if you really want to be hot, eat 1200 calories a day and exercise reasonably. (ie, Not everyday for four hours at a time.) Then get some interests outside of your own navel. We recommend listening to music. Not only does it give you something to talk about with boys, but it can drown out the psychotic voices in your head. Because that’s what they are, Karen. Insane. Don’t take our word for it. Watch your own mindnumbingly boring videos that we edited together below. And then get help because you do have an eating disorder.

Teen Documents Her Starvation on Video [Mom Logic]