Despite the hefty price of $20,000-$55,000 to armor a car, everyone who can afford it does it. One Sao Paulo businessman interviewed in the 2007 documentary on Sao Paulo crime, Manda Bala expressed his fear, “it’s unimaginable to not have a bullet proof car in Sao Paulo. I would go nuts.”

This trend started in the early to mid 90’s but the NY Times is just getting around to reporting it now. Here are some more recent high-tech security measures Paulistanos are shelling out for:

Helicopters

Sao Paulo is known for having the largest fleet of private or rentable helicopters of any city, and those who can afford it travel literally above the crime, instead of risking travel in the crowded streets. Some malls and night clubs actually have a helicopter landing pad for their guests.

Lojack tracking devices for humans.

This technology is still being tested but a lot of rich Paulistanos are really excited about the possibility of a getting a chip implanted in their body that would allow them to be tracked at all times. Of course we can’t help but think of the scene from The Matrix when Neo gets the little tracking bug sucked out of him–and if kidnappers think nothing of hacking off ears, what’s to stop them from cutting out tracking chips?

GPS lingerie.

Designer Lindelucy says their line of special GPS-capable lingerie (retailing for $800-$1000) is meant more as a sexy statement–their tag line is “Find Me If You Can.” But some women have expressed interest in the garments as a security measure. But again, what’s to stop your captors from easily discovering the wallet-sized device, “hidden” under a sheer mesh bodysuit?

For those who can’t afford private helicopters, armor-plated hummers and GPS-thongs, “safety” in Sao Paulo remains an elusive ideal.

Despite Recession, Fearful Brazilians Keep Armored Car Sales Booming [New York Times]

Televisa says it’s merely following the mandated hygienic precautions but we think they’re trying to ruin our fun. If they were really worried they would make the actors wear tongue-condoms or cancel filming all together but instead they’re just being giant cock-teases. A spokesman for Televisa made an unofficial statement, “when the script of a telenovela requires a kiss, the kiss will be give in accordance with the guidelines so as not to expose the actors to any risk,” which we’re guessing means a whole lot of panting and eye-fucking but no licky licky. Lame.

To tide you over until all this is behind us and we can go back to protracted scenes of people slobbering on one another, here are some of the all-time best telenovela face-sucking medleys:

Verano de Amor

“50 years of Televisa” Medley!

Rebelde Way (with surprise slutty ending)

Mexicans turn to dark humor, creativity to endure swine flu crisis [AP]

Pictured: Riot police carry an injured protestor

Joking that the worst thing that used to happen to you in Mexico was getting sick from “eating anything that might have been touched by the Mexican help [who] washed in parasite infested tap water,” Perry claims that “you’d live on guacamole and Doritos even at the finest hotels.” Oh, yes. That authentic Mexican favorite, Doritos. Our grandmother made the best ones.

Betsy should totally hang out with conservative radio host Michael Savage who recently said he doesn’t trust restaurants employing Mexicans because “you don’t know if they wipe their behinds with their hands.” Perry could chime in with her opinion that, unlike the glory days of “the late D.K. Ludwig,” who used to pay “zillions” to fly movie stars to his Acapulco home, today’s Mexico sucks. Yeah, we bet Georgia was a lot more awesome when the black people knew their place, too.

Betsy finishes up by saying that Mexico needs to get a grip on its “banditos” because “you couldn’t pay [her] to go there” declaring they should rush production on Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, “mucho pronto,” or else the U.S. will use swine flu as an excuse to (finally!) close the border.

But surely Beverly Hills Chihuahua can’t be the best PR Mexico has going for it. What about these classics?

The Frito Bandito.

This 1960’s Frito-Lay mascot ran around stealing “cheeps” and firing guns, plus he has a big-ass mustache! That’s pretty much everything a Mexican man aspires to. Yep, that’s it.

Tony Romo.

Cowboys quarterback and all around stud, Tony chose American Jessica Simpson (of camel-toe jean shorts fame) as his mate.

Speedy Gonzales.

Andale! Arriba! These are the only two words in the Spanish language (it’s true!) so devious, promiscuous Speedy single-handedly actually taught an entire nation of white kids how to speak Spanish. Thanks, Speedy!

Mario Lopez And His Pecs.

Mario represents everything that is great about the Mexican male–in a few words: Loincloth. Jungle. Glistening, oiled muscles.

Cheech.

Loveable stoner Cheech won the love of college kids everywhere by playing a harmless, dim-witted Mexican-American deadbeat. Plus it sounds like he named himself after chichis. Mexican-American ambassador of the year!

Betsy did apologize, ultimately, after the site’s readers turned on her. (How did it ever get past the censors over there?) 

One of the challenges for any blogger is to write fast, write short, and get people to find your way of thinking sharp and funny. No question that my post today was written too fast, wasn’t short enough, and turned out to be neither sharp nor funny. I see now that it crossed the line between cute and offensive. For that, I really do apologize, and I have asked that the post be taken down.

Honey, you didn’t cross the line between cute and offensive. You hurtled the chasm between questionable and mind-blowingly stupid.

Mike’s pick rips Mex. then sez oops [NY Daily News]
Amid swine flu outbreak, racism goes viral [MSNBC] Montezuma’s Revenge: Can The Best Thing About Mexico Really Be Beverly Hills Chihuahua? [Huffington Post]

In this pic, editors from The Sun photoshopped a rugby-themed face mask onto Liam Gallagher.

In censuses from recent years an estimated 100,000 migrant workers have traveled to the U.S. during the summer months. This year, public health task-forces are “fanning out” along the U.S.-Mexico border, hoping to teach migrant laborers hygienic precautions and to screen them for the swine flu virus. Officials are worried that incoming workers might be incubating the flu and that if they do become sick they won’t go to a hospital for fear of being deported. The director of public health for Fresno county, California, voiced his fear, “People may not have a land line, hot water or Internet access, and no regular doctor.” They also may not have fair pay or basic rights but we guess that’s less important, since it’s not a virus threatening Americans.

The groups involved in the prevention campaign range from public health organizations to Mexican consulates to Anglican church groups, but they all urge for a swift, focused outreach to the migrant population. So what kind of educational materials might they be handing out? Here’s what came out of our dark, twisted little imagination:

Or perhaps:

But maybe we’re just grumpy jerks who don’t believe in altruism?

Health officials in US warn migrants about flu [AP]

Swine Flu Bingo is a simple game–every time you see one of these things on television or in the real world, mark that square. For the PG-13 version, take a shot every time you fill in a square (can be tequila or NyQuil.) First person to fill in all the squares wins a bedazzled face-mask!

Our favorite part of this: supposedly swine flu isn’t even as deadly as the regular flu. Incredible.

The known facts are:

• Four white teenagers got in a fight with Ramirez, a 25 year-old factory worker and farmhand from Iramuco, Mexico, in July of 2008 
• Ramirez died from his injuries thirty hours after the teens left him unconscious. 

Beyond that, accounts vary wildly with some portraying the slaying as a hate-crime against a defenseless man while others say Ramirez was the aggressor who started the fight.

Brandon Piekarsky, 17, and Derrick Donchak, 19, are the two defendants now on trial for murder. Their lawyers are denying that the attack was a hate crime and say, instead, that Ramirez was the aggressor. Here’s the defense’s version of what happened after the four teens found Ramirez’s alleged girlfriend in a park at night,

At that point Ramirez emerged from the shadows “and goes nuts.” Ramirez “was not going to let these white teenage boys talk that way to his girlfriend” and told them, “I run this park. I own this block.”

The defense also says that Ramirez was not alone for the whole fight. After the initial scuffle, the teens say they backed off but Ramirez called some friends to back him up. They also say that at some point Ramirez’s friends pointed a gun at them, and a gun was found near the scene of the fight.

To complicate matters, the “alleged girlfriend” is the 15 year old half-sister of Ramirez’s fiancee and mother of his two kids, Crystal Dillman. The younger half-sister confirmed in court that she did have a sexual relationship with Ramirez. Eeesh.

The prosecution did not comment on the young girl’s statement but reiterated that the slaying was a racially-motivated hate crime. Prosecuting Assistant District Attorney Robert Franz told the court,

“They told him to go back to Mexico. They told him, ‘This is Shenandoah. You don’t belong here.’ “

Given this mind-boggling video where a local Shenandoah woman argues this wouldn’t have happened if Ramirez hadn’t been there in the first place, we’re going to guess ethnicity had at least something to do with the fight:

There’s also something fishy about handling of this case. Four young men were involved in the fight but only two of them have been charged. The two others, Colin Walsh and Brian Scully, are not involved in this trial. Walsh pled to violating Ramirez’s civil rights in exchange for all charges against him being dropped and Scully is being charged as a minor.

Before he pled guilty, Walsh apparently pushed for separate trials because he feared the four of them would be forced to testify against one another. The county President Judge William Baldwin rejected that request, which is perhaps why Walsh agreed to plead guilty instead and bow out of the trial.

What do you think? Has this case been handled correctly so far?

Trial begins for 2 Pa. teens in Mexican’s death [AP]
Photo Credit: ABC
Accounts differ over fatal beating of immigrant [Morning Call]
Trial date set in Hispanic man’s beating death in Shenandoah [Morning Call]

The big winners in Mexico City are, predictably, the drug stores and pharmaceutical companies who are selling out of face masks and immunity boosters like Emergen-c. Other big sellers for these companies are actual flu vaccines like Relenza and Tamiflu. Besides buying out drug stores, residents of Mexico City are making major runs on supermarkets to stock up on food and essentials so they won’t have to leave their homes. Also up is Blockbuster online which is apparently making a killing with online movie rentals–we guess people are using their self-imposed quarantine time to catch up on Lost episodes. Maybe something about the show’s themes of hoarded food and sudden, poorly understood catastrophes is resonating with people?

So if the winners are products to do with barricading yourself into your house then it stands to reason that the losers will be any product that involves gathering in large groups or traveling in Mexico. Movie theaters, sports arenas and restaurants are all reportedly taking big hits, especially after the government issued health guidelines urging its citizens not to gather in large groups, touch one another or share utensils. U.S. president Obama seemed reluctant to discourage travel to Mexico (perhaps because he understands the economic impact that would have) but finally said that he would discourage any “non-essential” travel to there. Predictably, Mexican airline and travel/hotel companies’ stock reacted by falling considerably.

Perhaps the most unnecessary loss has to do with the pork industry itself. You cannot catch swine flu by eating pork or a pork product, but tell that to a panicked populace. Industries to do with pork processing- meat processing, grain sellers- are all losing money because of the unfortunate association.

Falling Mexican Stocks a Flu Symptom [Yahoo]
World markets struck by swine flu fears, airlines take brunt of selling as drugmakers rally [AP]