These past few days, we at Guanabee have really been getting the hang of this newfangled inter-webs thing.

First we got a Facebook and now, we have: a MySpace!!!

Oh, we’re growing up so fast! Finally we can be friends with Pam, who thinks we’re cute and just wants to show us some of her pics, and that guy Pete who wants to meet up who looks weirdly like Ashley Parker Angel. And of course tons and tons of people with moving, sparkly flag gifs proclaiming “BoRiCuA 4 LyF.”

And all you guys too (if we haven’t mentioned you already). So please add us by following this link. MySpace Friendz 4 LyF!

Adoring Guanababies: Guanabee now has a facebook page where you can become our fan, check out our pics, see updates, and express your everlasting love and affection to us on our wall. Comments relating to how much you love the blog and how good looking the staff is are always appreciated.

If you’re good enough, maybe we’ll even post your funny on the wall. 5 minutes of internet fame? You know you love it.

So just follow this here link, and become our fan. And we should hang out soon! Its been ages! Yeah!!! Oh, our number? Well, best to just send us a facebook message…

Ayahuasca, a hallucinogenic vine used by the Incas and the Amazon Indians for ages, is drawing hordes of tourists seeking its “magical” properties to Peru. The vine is also being touted by some doctors for its psychiatric therapeutic benefits. Some Peruvian psychotherapists say that the plant can “bring unconscious material into the conscious awareness.” Kinda like Freud, but browner! Reuter reports:

“The insights about one’s own life, the direction one is moving to, the family appear many times as visual images emotionally charged; these can be taken to therapy.” said Eduardo Gastelumendi, a psychiatrist in Lima. Others say it can be used to kick addictions to drugs and alcohol by helping to trigger buried memories.

But don’t put down that morning Colt 45 and run to your nearest Whole Foods just yet! The substance is banned in the United States [Ed. Note: What isn't?] with one exception. The Supreme Court ruled last year that U.S. followers of a Brazilian-based religion can import and use Ayahuasca in their ceremonies. As of now we’re all converting to the Holy Church of the Funk da Cueca Sisters.

Vision-inducing drug makes new inroads in Peru [Reuters]
Image: [REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil]

Luis Miguel Aldana, an unemployed Colombian with a knack for iron work has sewn his mouth shut and locked himself behind an iron mask to bring attention to his family’s economic plight. He hopes his hunger strike will also underscore Colombia’s unemployment problems. Aldana began his protest after being evicted from his apartment for not being able to pay the rent. He told the AP:

I’m doing this to get attention because people have a heart of iron and also a face of iron — they don’t listen to anybody and think this is a joke

Apparently he wants a loan from the government to “jump-start a cottage textile business.” Perhaps Nina Garcia can lend a brother a hand. Cuz, you know, metallurgy is so hot right now.

Unemployed Colombian dons iron mask [Boston Globe]
Image: [Google]

Thursday nights are sometimes Brazilian night here at Guanabee. It is a special time during the month where we prepare caipirinhas, listen to Xuxa, and take turns waxing each other’s nether regions while practicing conjugating verbs in Portuguese (i.e. vai se foder). Luckily YouTube has the perfect video to wax your pubes to. It will make you forget all about that burning sensation in your crotch, and replace it with a better burning sensation in your buceta.

Mendonça Twins [YouTube]

Multifaceted and Guanabee dreamboat John Leguizamo is part of the cast of the film adaptation of “Love in the Time of Cholera”. The movie, based on Gabriel García Márquez’s novel, takes place in Cartagena. In an interview with Cinema Blend, he talks about what it’s like to film in Colombia: “It was awesome. [Cartagena] is one of the greatest cities in the Americas. It’s one of the oldest and largest European fortressed cities. […] It’s phenomenal.” Take that, USA Today. In preparation for his role, Cinema Blend asks:

Have you ever had a case of unrequited love?
I had tons of that when I was a teenager, are you kidding me? Plenty of girls who didn’t requite me, so I had to requite myself.

Get this guy to Quantico. He seems like a natural for the FBI.

Interview: John Leguizamo [Cinema Blend]
Image: [Google]

The chocharama continues. Noelia’s father-of-the-year Topy Mamery, in yet another act of paternal love, has surrendered a copy of Noelia’s video (the one released on the internet this summer featuring her engaging in sex acts both frontal and backal) to the FBI for investigation. He hopes the FBI will be able to determine whether Jorge Reynoso, the alleged distributor of the video, committed a criminal act by posting the video online. Mamery, presumably with a straight face, said:

As a responsible citizen and Noelia’s father it was my duty to surrender all the evidence and information to the authorities, and allow them to process it if they deem so necessary.

We’re sure the able hands of the FBI will “process” that tape with due diligence. Ewwww.

En manos del FBI vídeo de Noelia [El Nuevo Dia]
Noelia coverage on Guanabee

Turns out JLo is not the only one going Mordor on your ass. There is buzz around the Interwebs about how Gabriel Garcia Márquez’s novel Love in the Time of Cholera is expected to convert the city of Cartagena, where the novel takes place, into the new hot travel destination. The novel is popular again after it was chosen by Oprah for her Book Club. Travel web site Jaunted writes that the novel is “about to become for Colombia what Lord of the Rings was for New Zealand: a major tourism generator.” But hold on to your hobbits! USA Today was there and they have the stereotypes to prove it:

Graceful Carmen Mirandas ply the cobblestones proffering succulent fruits from bowls balanced on their heads [...] As Colombia’s most popular tourist haunt, [Cartagena's] change of fortune is at the forefront of an image makeover for a country that has been associated more with kidnappings, cartels and cocaine (with, perhaps, a passing nod to Juan Valdez and his donkey) than fun-filled getaways.

At least it didn’t take USA Today a long-ass trilogy to tell us how they really feel.

Why Cartagena is the Next New Zealand [Jaunted]
Cartagena: Colombia’s magical city rebounds [USA Today]

Apparently as enraged as some of you about the blind “celebration” of the “discovery” of the Americas by Columbus, Daniel Ortega, the President of Nicaragua, declared that the country’s schools will no longer observe Columbus Day. According to Prensa Latina:

In [the] opinion of President Daniel Ortega last week on the eve of October 12, the arrival of Spanish colonizers to the “New World” meant the start of genocide against the indigenous population in the America [sic].

The Minister of Education Miguel de Castilla rebaptized Columbus day as “Indigenous Resistance Day.” We assume that the screening of that “reddish-brown” hot cartoon won’t be part of the curriculum anymore.

Nicaragua: No More Columbus Day [Prensa Latina]

“Role Model” Wilmer Valderrama was the key speaker at the Latino Leaders Network luncheon last week, which honored exceptional Latin American high school students. Starstruck Kellie Ell, writing about the event for AXcess News writes:

Take an underprivileged upbringing, a voyage to the land of the free, mix with exceptionally good looks, celebrity girlfriends and a starring role on a TV show and you have the American dream.

I guess by underprivileged she means being a teenager in Los Angeles. And by “starring role” she means the stereotypical dumbass character of “Fez”, or perhaps she was talking about his other shining example of Latino subversion “Handy Manny“. But “exceptionally good looks”? Seriously girl, you cookin’?

Actor says his life is Latin-American dream [AXccess News]

Gossip site TMZ wrote a post yesterday in one-semester Spanish about Making Menudo, the reality show about the boy-band that launched a million pimples. The post said that the reality show has finished recording and that the new group is already in the studio recording an album. We already reviewed their new vowel-friendly song “Más Que Amor (A E I O U)”, which kinda sounds like a squirrel choking on a piece of Kit-Kat, but we digress. Based on the flame wars that ensued in the comments section of their post, we can safely deduct that TMZ readers are a bit Spanish averse:

Another example of TMZ pandering to ILLEGAL ALIENS….I’m done coming here…..I only go to ENGLISH ONLY sites.

Nice.

Take this crap south of the border please! You don’t know where you live…….

Pithy!

Please, this is not Mexico…..we don’t need to read it in Spanish!

Again with the Mexihate. To which a brilliant commenter had to say:

VIVA MÉXICO CABRONESSS

Say what you will about Latinos, but they always come through.

Nuevo Menudo — Es Muy Caliente! [TMZ.com]

• Latin Americans are masters at recycling: We once bought a wallet in Puerto Vallarta made out of a Coca-Cola can, a piece of shoestring, and a candy wrapper. No lie.
• Daniel never turned on the A/C unit during the summer in order to “decrease our carbon footprint”. We’re about to shove our carbon footprint up his ozone layer.
• Guanabee also buys Seventh Generation recycled toilet paper, which is a lot more expensive, and disintegrates on touch. Every time Daniel goes to the restroom we have to hear about it.
• Miskito Indians, the original greasers, have been putting palm oil on their tresses for years. Suck it, Paul Mitchell.

What about you guys? What are you doing to keep our world green?

Nothing excites us more than knowing that JLo is breeding and bringing a couple of JenniferLopitos into this world. God knows Ricans don’t breed enough already. Anyhoo, after countless hours using the most advanced, genealogical technology to try and decipher what Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s babies will look like [Ed. Note: OK, we spent 6 minutes typing shit into Google], thankfully, someone figured it out for us.

Gollum + Jennifer Lopez = Genetic Brilliance.

Morph of Gollum and Jennifer Lopez [Morph Thing]

The Puerto Rican actress Rosie Perez, apparently with nothing else to do, wants to take credit for “discovering” Jennifer Lopez when she was still an unknown dancer on the television series “In Living Color.” In an interview with Michael Musto in Out magazine, she says:

I’m the one that hired Jennifer Lopez, even though she tells everyone Keenan Ivory Wayans was. He didn’t want her because she was overweight and didn’t dance well, but I said, ‘She has star quality.’

Meow! Oh Rosie, just because JLo stole such stellar roles from you like Gigli and Maid in Manhattan doesn’t mean you have to be a perra about it.

Rosie Perez Says She Discovered Jennifer Lopez [Hollywood Grind]

The Chapel of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio has unveiled a new guacamole-friendly statue of Jesus Christ for their altar as part of their $5 million renovation project. The “Hispanic-looking,” 10-foot tall, beaner-Jesus statue was created to more accurately represent the parishioners of the San Antonio Chapel and the people served by its ministry. [Ed. Note: Except for the height part, obvs. Has anybody ever seen a Mexican taller than 5 feet? We didn't think so]. Raul Juarez, renovation supervisor for the project says:

I never thought about what Jesus looked like before this. It’s like I’m looking at myself,” Juarez exclaimed of the 500-pound likeness. “My wife doesn’t even believe it has brown skin. She says, ‘Every time we’ve seen a figure of Jesus, it’s always been white.

We think it’s about g*ddamn time Jesús was represented like one of us. It’s not like there are a lot of gabacho-looking people running around Jerusalem or anything. Next up, the Three Wise Men: Gaspic, Melcholo, and Brownthasar.

Incarnate Word to unveil Hispanic Jesus [San Antonio Express-News]