Do you like to laugh? Do you love mocking Hipsters? Do you like biblical epics set in Williamsburg, Brooklyn? Are you in South Florida?

Then you should go see Guanabee video editor Jack Tomas’ film Hipster Job at the Miami International Film Festival!

The film will be shown on Friday, March 12th at 5:30pm and Sunday, March 14th at 5:30pm at the Regal South Beach Cinema 18 on screen 9.

Hipster Job is a modern retelling of the biblical Book of Job set in modern day Williamsburg, Brooklyn and starring a literal bevy of hipster stereotypes. Job is a funky fresh homey with a sick job designing skateboards, a bitchin’ girlfriend, and a sweet as candy rent controlled loft. One day, evil dude Satan and the Lord God make a bet that Job will turn on God if his life falls gets flushed down the pooper. Things get real after that, home slice!

Tickets are available at the Miami International Film Festival website.

Chipotle’s Burrito

In the world of fast food Mexican, Chipotle Mexican Grill has become the go-to guy for big, fat burrito goodness. (Taco Bell will tear apart your insides like a roto-rooter wrapped in barbed wire.) Chipotle was founded by entrepreneur Steve Ells in Denver in 1993, [Ed. Note: are there Mexicans in Denver?] He later sold it to the evil, gringo payaso Ronald McDonald who spread Chipotles all over the country. In 2006, Ells bought Chipotle back from McDonald’s having effectively used their capital to create his tortilla wrapped empire. Now, with over 900 locations you don’t have to go far to get your Chipotle on.

Ingredients

The burrito was born in Texas in the 1930’s and consists of a flour tortilla filled with meat, cheese, beans, and a chili sauce. The burrito at Chipotle is also a combination of a flour tortilla, meat, cheese and beans. First you choose your meat: barbacoa, beef fajitas, chicken, pork carnitas, or veggie. Then you get rice and beans and your choice of lettuce, tomato, sour cream, cheese, guacamole, and five different hot sauces ranging from totally mild to slightly hot. So, as far as the ingredients go, Chipotle offers pretty much the same options as a “regular” burrito. What’s different from the original, however, is that the meat at Chipotle is organic, hormone free, and free range. The vegetables are also organic and brought in fresh to the stores every day. This differs from the taqueria burritos as they tend to be filled with whatever meat is being sold at the carniceria by the bus station. The organic stuff appeals to the Whole Foods yuppie crowd, and makes them feel good about scarfing down a Mexican meat missile at Chipotle.

Four Chiles.

Look

The Chipotle burrito looks like a wonderful package of yum. If one were to go to a taqueria in Juarez and order a burrito from the sixteen year-old pregnant girl waitress with a black eye, [Ed. Note: Don't get mad. Have you ever been to Juarez? That place is crazy!], it would look not unlike the Chipotle burrito. Considering it would have been easy for Chipotle to make their burritos look more festive and wacky, like a southwestern Chinatown black bean wrap at TGI Fridays, we give them points for keeping it real.

Four Chiles

Flavor

Flavor is where the Chipotle burrito loses points to the ones you get on the border. The original burrito is extremely flavorful, the meat having been braised for hours or grilled to perfection from marinated meats. The guacamole is homemade and looks like a kaleidoscope of colors. The chili sauce is fire hot, made from chilies picked by the devil himself and served in an old, plastic ketchup bottle. By contrast, Chipotle’s burritos taste blander to be more palatable to your average American consumer. This tends to be the case with a lot of Americanized Mexican foods that sacrifice flavor for accessibility. Ultimately Chipotle tastes less like Mexican food and more like…well…Chipotle.

Three Chiles

Overall Authenticity

On the G.A.S. scale we give the Chipotle burrito a total of four chilies since it looks and is comprised of the same stuff as the original burrito, but lacks some of the flavor.

Four Chiles

That’s all from Guanabee Labs, bringing you Ciencia con Queso since 2007.

We here at Guanabee labs are dedicated to analyzing American products based on Latino foods in a quest to discover whether or not they authentic. Products are rated for their ingredients, look and flavor and given a score for each on the Guanabee Authenticity Scale, or G.A.S. The scale ranges from one to five chili peppers–one being completely Gringofied and five being ¡Como abuela hacia!

Today’s test subject:

Original Nacho Cheese Doritos

Nacho Cheese Doritos are an American classic like Elvis Presley, Cadillacs, and Indian genocide. They have been on the top ten munchies list in every college dorm room since Frito Lay unveiled them in the early 70’s.

Ingredients:

Regular tortilla chips are made from corn tortillas, salt, and oil. Doritos on the other hand are made from corn tortillas, oil, and about a million chemicals and processed food products. The beauty of the tortilla chip is its simplicity, which is lost in the Dorito. As far as ingredients go, not very authentic.

Two Chilies

Look:

The tortilla chip is a dull yellow color and is shaped in different ways. Doritos are a nice triangle shape and are a wonderful dayglo traffic cone orange, very aesthetically pleasing. It’s like a Joan Miro painting you can eat!

Four Chilies

Flavor:

Nacho Cheese Doritos taste like a cheeserific fiesta in your mouth, which is the primary reason they have been such a big seller for nearly 40 years. The original tostada is just a plain corn tortilla deep fried to a crispy yumminess, but it is ultimately corn flavored. It requires a dip in a mix of cheese, chilies, peppers, and onions to get the flavor that Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos already contain on the chip for you. But while Doritos do have the cheesiness down, they lack the heat of the chilies. Nacho Cheese Doritos are delicious, but ultimately they taste less like a tortilla chip with nacho cheese and more like…well…a Dorito.

Three Chilies

On the G.A.S. scale we give it a total of three chilies, as it is still recognizable as a tortilla chip but lacks the simplicity and gooey cheesiness of the original.

Nacho Cheese Doritos Overall Authenticity Rating

Nacho Cheese Doritos Earn Three Out Of Five Chili Peppers On The Guanabee Authenticity Scale

At a benefit attended by Miss Universe President Paula Shugart, Guanabee publisher Daniel Mauser couldn’t resist asking for her comment regarding the revelation that Donald Trump hand-picks six of the fifteen finalists for the Miss Universe pageant.

Last month we published the exclusive interview with Miss Universe choreographer, Michael Schwandt, in which he told Guanabee that it is a well known secret that Donald Trump doesn’t leave the six finalists to the rest of the judges.

Then he does do something that’s a bit odd. At all the shows, he pops in the day before the telecast and we line up all the girls in alphabetical order behind microphones. And they say their name, age and country. Then we line them up in alphabetical order in one single file line across the stage. And he basically walks by and has an assistant that takes notes on all the girls. And it’s just kind of common knowledge that he picks six of the top fifteen single-handedly. So, the other nine of the top fifteen are judged in a preliminary show the week before and picked by those judges, but he picks six of the top fifteen.

The story was picked up by several news agencies such as Fox News and CNN, and the Miss Universe Organization was quick to respond. They stated that it is true that the top finalists are chosen before the broadcast, but that Mr. Trump does not have a singular role in that process. Ms. Shugart also gave a statement which read that, ”In the 2009 Miss Universe competition, a preliminary panel of judges selected nine of the Top 15 and members of the Miss Universe Organization, including owner Donald J. Trump, selected the remaining six.” In spite of this, many people were surprised to learn that the contestants are not picked by the judges during the telecast.

At the benefit, Shugart told Daniel that the reason that the contestants are prejudged is because the winner of the pageant will represent the organization in their charitable works and as an ambassador of hotness to all the world’s less beautiful folk. They can’t very well have some loon running around saying whatever comes into their crowned heads at an AIDS benefit or at a children’s hospital. This is understandable from their point of view and, the truth is, they do disclose this information before the show begins, however subtly.

Watch Miss Universe President Paula Shugart Comment On Donald Trump’s Policy Of Picking Six Of The Fifteen Miss Universe Finalists

The vagueness begins when we try to ascertain how much of a role is played by Trump in the choice of the finalists. From what our sources have said, he is more than just “involved,” as one of many who decide the finalists’ fates, he is the de facto final word. Miss Universe is supposedly the most beautiful woman in the world, and besides the fact that this is completely impossible and subjective, the crown holder has come to represent one of the standards by which we, as a society, judge beauty. That seems like a lot of power for one man to hold, picking the most beautiful woman in the world. Trump is a very rich man, but as he’s illustrated through his personal history, money doesn’t magically give you good taste in women. If Trump simply picks the top contestants, it takes some of the credibility from the pageant. He becomes the ultimate arbiter of beauty on the planet, a dictator of hotness if you will. Only time will tell if the pageant is going to change this practice.

Besides, do you want a guy that looks like a bulldog wearing a squirrel hat telling you what’s beautiful?

Guanabee recently attended a benefit for the Global Network for Neglected Tropical Diseases, co-sponsored by the Miss Universe Organization in New York City. The network’s goal is to eradicate seven mostly parasitic diseases that are all easily and cheaply treated. Their partnership with the Miss Universe Organization aims at educating millions across Latin America and the Caribbean about the need to control and eliminate neglected tropical diseases across the region.

Guanabee spoke to Miss Universe president Paula Shugart about her involvement with the organization as well as Global Network president Kari Stoever, Miss USA Cristy Stewart and political advisor James Carville who were all there. And former “Bachelor” Andy Baldwin managed to name all seven (plus one!) of the deadly diseases that, though easily treatable, continue to affect over a billion people worldwide.

You guys had so many questions about the mysterious Luchador on the Street we introduced last week that we thought we’d give you the chance to get to know him better. Here is the man himself telling you about his life, his inspiration, and his cat Mr. Gato.

President Obama’s proposed health care reforms have led to arguments and vitriolic shouting matches at town hall meetings across the nation. Everyone agrees something needs to be done about the current system, but what? We sent Anyguey editor Jack Tomas and roving reporter, The Luchador [Ed: Who might be Russian?], to the streets of New York to learn what Latinos think about the proposed changes and the impact it may have on them.

Last night, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez basically locked Venezuelan legislators in their chamber and forced them to pass laws that further consolidate his power. If it seems like we are obsessed with Chavez…it’s because we are. Asking why we constantly cover him is like asking why The Enquirer always talks about Brangelina or why Perez Hilton talks about Zac Efron’s wiener. Chavez is like a hilarious train wreck that we can’t help looking at, even if he is leading to the destruction of Venezuela. Anyway, the new laws:

• Unlimited re-elections.
• All power that belonged to state and local governments now goes to Hugito.
• A modified education curriculum that pushes Chavez’s philosophy.
• Power to shut down any media outlet that criticizes him with no warning. Media outlets cannot appeal to be reinstated.
• The state can seize any land it wants.

Typical dictator shit, but Chavez’s ambitions are not limited to Venezuela, he is an empire builder. He is constantly threatening Colombia, Bolivia, and Peru with invasion because, once he has enough power, that is exactly what he’s going to do. It appears that Chavez is not trying to be like Castro after all, but Napoleon or Kim Jung Il. He has created a cult of personality around himself, created a strange hybrid form of communism, and consolidated control of everything in Venezuelan society, but unlike Fidel, he is bat shit crazy. We’ve previously reported on some of his crazy laws like outlawing golf and Coke Zero, but it seems clear that Chavez also wants to take over all of South America, you know like a lunatic. His movement is called Bolivarinism, after Simon Bolivar who tried to create a unified South American empire after he routed the Spanish. Chavez sees himself as the new Bolivar, the man who will unite all of Latin America and rule from his Hugo Chavez shaped throne, drink from Hugo Chavez shaped goblets, in a castle shaped like a swan. [Ed.: You thought we were going to say the castle was shaped like Hugo Chavez, huh? That would be silly.]

One thing history is taught us is that you can be an asshole dictator to your own people as long as you don’t want to extend your empire. The reason Castro stayed in power so long is that he only ruled that little island. If he had tried to conquer the Caribbean he would have been shut down real quick. Don’t get too big for your britches Hugito, or else you’re gonna lose everything.

Chavez Aprieta El Acelerador [BBC Mundo]
Chavez Stirs Anxiety Over US Miltary Deal In Columbia [Christian Science Monitor]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8202137.stm

http://www.examiner.com/x-4453-Hartford-Tourism-Examiner~y2009m8d12-32nd-Annual-Milford-Oyster-Festival

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/extras/extra_bases/2009/08/sox_acquire_ale.html

Sugar has always been the life blood of Latin America. The Spanish and Portuguese created huge sugar plantations in Cuba, Brazil, Central America and elsewhere to supply Europe’s sweet tooth. Sugar conglomerates grew to control vast swaths of land producing millions of tons of sugar. Many of these companies were owned by Americans who ran the sugar plantations as virtual fiefdoms with serfs working the land for little pay. Then in the 1960’s and 70’s Latin American countries began to take over their countries’ sugar production. The price of sugar rose dramatically making it difficult for U.S. companies to keep up. So, the government created the farm subsidies for corn production in which they artificially inflated the price of corn so farmers would produce increasing amounts of it without losing money. They turned this corn into corn syrup which is in nearly every product we eat. These corn subsidies hurt Latin America because it robs them of the huge American market for their sugar. This is also the reason that the United States has imposed such heavy tariffs on sugar importation. The other reason for the U.S. policy towards Latin American sugar is that they want to control the production of ethanol which can be made from sugar or corn. If Latin American sugar production became too profitable then they would have no need for our oil or ethanol.

What we do know is that we Americans are getting fatter eating all this processed corn crap. Why does Mexican Coke taste so much better than Yanqui Coke: Azucar!

Food Firms Sound Alarm On Sugar Shortage [CBS News]
A Shortage of Sugar, Oh No! [Marketplace]
Brazil Urges The US To Close Gap Between Rhetoric And Policy On Ethanol [Brazzil]

As we’ve discussed, Latinos aren’t well represented in science fiction…well at least not in American sci-fi. But, Mexico made some pretty wonderful sci-fi in the 1950’s. (And by wonderful we mean TERRIBLE!) El Santo Vs. the Martians, anyone? Best of all, UCLA Film & Television Archive is showing these classics all month long! For free! Not to be missed if you are at all physically able to make it there. Tonight’s showing is La Momia Azteca Contra El Roboto Humano (The Aztec Mummy vs. The Human Robot.) And, seriously, we want reports.

Vintage Mexican Sci-Fi Beams a Blast From the Past, con Queso [Wired via]

In the future there are whites (Han Solo, Captain Kirk), blacks (Lando and Uhura), Asians (Mr. Sulu), gays (Mr. Sulu, C-3po), and Jews (Spock, Princess Leia) but no Latinos. Even though we make up a good chunk of the planet and are going to be the majority in the United States by 2050 we will not survive the nuclear holocaust/zombocalypse/robocalypse that leads to the world of tomorrow. Part of the reason for this is that when a lot of these shows and movies were created Latinos were so overlooked as a group that there was no need to include them. The representation of Latinos was non-existent except for three stereotypes: The bandito, the exotic seductress, or the gang member. Most of the time these parts were played by white folk in brown face, (Charleston Heston as a Mexican in Touch of Evil? Come on!)

Star Trek is a good example. Gene Rodenberry’s vision of the future is one where all races, creeds, forms of life and nations would live in harmony (remember Chekov was a Ruskie on TV in the middle of the Cold War.) The show was first on in 1966, at the height of the civil rights movement and broadcast the first ever interracial kiss on TV between Captain Kirk and Lt. Uhura. Certainly a progressive idea, possibly even a revolutionary one. Instead of seeing man destroying themselves he saw us working through our differences to explore space together. But where was Col. Jose manning the torpedo room? Why wasn’t there a Jimenez flying an X-Wing along with Luke Skywalker?

There is a ray of hope fellow geekos. In the last few years there have been strides in sending homies into space. The most prominent is granddaddy actor Edward James Olmos as Admiral William Adana in the remake of Battlestar Galactica. The original series looked a Connecticut yacht club, but in this version a Mexican-American was not only a member of the crew, he was the friggin’ admiral. He was the leader, the guy people went to when the caca hit the fan. The second one is from the unfortunate Star Wars prequels. Say what you want about the movies but one thing is clear,  a Latino played Senator Organa (Jimmy Smits) Princess Leia’s adoptive father and leader of the rebel alliance. At the end of Episode 3 you see Smits bringing the infant princess Leia to his wife wearing a full on colonial lady look with mantilla and everything. It also goes to show the folly of the evil Empire in blowing up their planet of Alderan. That’s why that second Death Star took so long to get built: no Latinos to work the construction. Stupid Darth Vader.

In the video below Olmos talks about the question of Latinos in Science Fiction: