Since the Olympics started there’s been a flood of westerners into China, eager to cheer for their home team and explore the quaint cultural customs of that land; one intriguing difference being how the Chinese define prostitution. Zapata’s, A Mexican cantina in Shanghai (because everyone is entitled to inauthentic Mexican fare and flavored Margaritas) where expats and tourists hang out, had an interesting sign in the door of its establishment warning hookers not to come in. And, really, prostis have no place in such a fine establishment. To wit:

Authentic Mexican dishes and snacks prepared with fresh ingredients by a professional foreign chef, a range of delicious cocktails and perhaps the wildest parties west of the Rio Grande…………… Viva La Revolucion!

West? We guess it’s all relative anyway. Anyway. Back to the boring hookerlessness. What’s truly weird is that Zapata’s sign, sent to us by a tipster, also asks those in doubt of their hookerosity to check with the bouncers to make sure. So check whether you’re a hooker and if the answer is “Hell yes,” take a look at the sign after the jump:

This kind of confusion could actually happen in Shanghai, since sex-workers go to restaurants to meet or pick up clients, but sometimes the line gets blurred between date and trick. A woman might just want a Louis Vuitton bag, dammit, and whats so wrong about getting it after a little tickle n’ grab? There’s a lot of gray area in between “professional prostitute” and “eh, he’s not cute…but he’s rich.”
Tragically for all the horny ex-pats in Shanghai, Zapata’s disagrees and will not be welcoming legit sex-workers or the less subtle gold diggers.

A Russian woman suing her boss for molestation just lost her case because, according to the judge, sexual harassment is a good thing. In the judge’s own words:

“If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children.”

Just like if we had no murder we would have no justice!

The judge had plenty of evidence against the woman’s boss, but decided that the little turd was being gallant, and that his actions should be condoned and encouraged. The woman claimed that her boss had locked her out of her office after she rejected his come-ons, and said that:

“He always demanded that female workers signaled to him with their eyes that they desperately wanted to be laid on the boardroom table as soon as he gave the word, I didn’t realize at first that he wasn’t speaking metaphorically.”

Click for scary facts about being a working woman in Russia:

Only two women have ever won a sexual harassment suit since the Soviet Union collapsed, and according to a recent poll of Russian women,

100 percent of female professionals said they had been subjected to sexual harassment by their bosses, 32 percent said they had had intercourse with them at least once and another seven percent claimed to have been raped.

Eighty percent of those who participated in the survey said they did not believe it possible to win promotion without engaging in sexual relations with their male superiors.

That is freaking scary. We’re well aware that shit happens in America, too. But at least it isn’t supposed to.

Sexual harassment okay as it ensures humans breed, Russian judge rules [Telegraph.co.uk]

It’s too easy to make fun of our favorite chola, Amy Winehouse. It seems like every time we turn around she’s making a racist video or using baby rats as bait to make her husband love her. But how can we help ourselves, when she’s so damn entertaining? The hot mess actually did pretty well for herself yesterday at the Virgin-sponsored music festival in England. She showed up, she remembered most of her song lyrics, and she strategically wore low-rise jeans so we could all see how she remembered to put on underwear. But lest we begin to consider her sane, at one point she paused her performance to yell, “I’m not on drugs, I’m not on drugs, honest!” And we believe her, because there is nothing suspicious about singing a song about avoiding rehab while screaming that you’re clean. Absolutely nothing.

Actual video of the performance and editor commentary after the jump.

A lovely clip of her performing “Back to Black” at the V Festival. To be honest though we enjoy it more for how she nuzzles the mic with her nose than for the singing…

Our commentary on the video:

Amy Winehouse is pants again at V Festival [Mirror.co.uk]
Amy Winehouse is back to her worst after two V Festival gigs in two nights [Dailymail.co.uk]

Hi, I’m Camilla Rowan and I’m new here! I know Daniel only hired me as a contributing editor to keep affirmative action off his ass, but I’ll take what I can get in this cruel world of oppression against my people. Seriously though, I am very much looking forward to not being fired in the next month (please?) and y’all can help by not posting DIE, GRINGA under my articles!

A little about me: I was born and raised in La Cambridge, Massachusetts and I like to think of myself as an expert on Latin America since I’ve been to Chichen Itza once and I own a chinchilla, which is a kind of angry rat from Peru. I mean, if that doesn’t make me an expert, then I don’t know what does. I’ll be writing about travel, culture, internet trends and whatever I rummage out of Guanabee’s trash bin. Many thanks to the incredible staff for their warm welcome even though it’s officially only my first week and I’m a total n00bleta!

Earlier: Nothing’s Going To Change Just Because We Hired A WASP or Introducing Guanabee Contributing Editor Camilla Rowan

The Fill Pill is a new diet pill made out of diaper materials which expands in your stomach so you don’t feel hungry! Does anyone else feel crazy after reading that sentence?! We certainly feel crazy after reading it, and after looking at the makers’ website, which summarizes how the pill works with a picture that implies: the pill goes in your stomach, and EXPANDS TO 50 TIMES ITS ORIGINAL SIZE!
Ok people, expanding capsules were fun when they were filled with sponge dinosaurs that you could then make prance around in the bathtub, but do we really want to be eating this crap?

Here’s what TV’s Mike & Juliet have to say:

Also, the Fill Pill is made by Italians (insert joke here about how Italians can’t do anything right. See: Leaning Tower of Pisa.) A researcher and pill tester, Alessandro Sannino, told the UK Mirror:

“It’s the same as you feel after a plate of spaghetti.

Except this is an indigestible tennis-ball sized lump of fiber… Buon Appetito!

Diet wonder drug that swells in your tum to kill hunger [UK Mirror]

“M&J Investigates”: The Fill Pill! [OpenMike]

Meet Eugenio Siller: model, actor and swell guy. Mexican-born Eugenio stars on the TV soap Al Diablo Con Los Guapos and is listed as one of the world’s most beautiful men, according to this. Woo woo! So why aren’t we tearing off our clothes and leaping into his arms? For one, we couldn’t get past the guard dogs but also, the man is a dork. Look at him! Once your eyes stop glazing over from all the muscles you realize: this man thinks he is the shit. And he won’t stop telling us about it until we duct tape his mouth shut.

So, Eugenio has won the honor of being “Man Guanabee Least Wants to Date,” and we’re going to throw him a party! And by party, we mean “make fun of pictures we found of him in TV y Novelas magazine.” Join us:

Here’s why Eugenio thinks he would make a good boyfriend:

1. First off, he wants a woman, like a hyena after a carcass:

Q: Do you have a girlfriend?”
A. “No but I’m looking for one.”

2. He might take his shirt off at any moment, like NOW, or now, or now.

3. He likes to keep fit. He even has a favorite body part (his abs)! But he swears

“Off-set, I don’t spend my time staring at myself in the mirror.”

On-set, however, he is the fairest of them all.

Felicidades, Eugenio!

TVyNovelas [Print Version]

It’s kinda hard to claim you’re a modest woman when you’ve been photographed bent over a tree with your ass in the air. But model/actress Aleida Núñez does her best, telling TVyNovelas magazine;

“La verdad, me apena hablar de la sexualidad abiertamente…Es algo sagrado y, aunque estamos en una época muy avanzada y mucha gente expone su vida íntima, a mí no me gusta tanto.”

(Trans. : The truth is, I’m hesitant to talk openly about sexuality. It’s something sacred, and even though we’re in a progressive era and lots of people talk about their sex lives, I don’t like to do that.”)

We actually believe Aleida, but we think she’s a damn hypocrite.

But she’s not alone in her hypocrisy. Latin American women have long been stereotyped as flashy prudes, the kind of women who wear thongs to the beach but don’t give it up till after the wedding. We’re all for a good cock-tease, but maybe there’s something wrong with this view of sexuality?

Why can’t a Latina stick her culo in the air and then say, “Damn I love sex” ? Sure the whole virgin/whore complex is fun to play with, but it gets kinda old.

More examples of Aleida being “timid” below:

It’s still classy if only half the bra shows:

“Heavens no, I don’t do that”:

As Usher says, she’s a “Lady in the streets but a freak in the bed”

What do you think? Is it weird to dress provocatively but then say “sex is private”? As an actress, does portraying yourself as a sex-object mean you have to be hyper-sexual in your real life? Should we just shut the hell up and let Aleida do her damn thing?

[TVyNovelas]

Hottie-pants Eva Mendes recalls her frugal Cuban upbringing in September’s Marie Claire. She tells the mag;

I was raised by parents who didn’t have much. We didn’t use whole pieces of paper towel. We shared, or used rags. Mom didn’t even want us flushing all the time.

Too much information, Mendes.

Eva’s usually cast in action flicks, so she’s proud of her upcoming role in The Women, her first chick flick. We’d be proud of her too, except she plays an animal-print-wearing homewrecker. Awwwesome. Maybe by next year she’ll have graduated to “the sympathetic friend.” Or who knows, maybe they’ll make her ugly like Charlize Theron in Monster? Apparently women can’t be both beautiful AND good actresses. Just like women can’t chew gum and walk at the same time (fact!)

Click for more pics and saucy quotes.

On Cubans’ drinking habits:

Eva orders a coffee and dumps in a side of espresso. “Cubans don’t drink regular coffee,” she says. “We basically drink petroleum.”

And here we thought Cubans only drank the sweet waters of communism.

On fucking like a lady

“Annette [Benning]’s got taste and class. She reminds me of one of those women back in the ’40’s and ’50’s. They weren’t afraid to say fuck. They were in your face, but they were also ladies…I strive to be like that.”

Come, chiquita, let Guanabee teach you the way.

Eva Wants You! [Marie Claire]

Imagine the MTV show, Jackass, and then add BOOBS! That sums up the premise of the FuseTV show Rad Girls, which was first shown in 2007 but got re-aired this August. (We guess the shitty economy created demand for seeing girls hanging from a crane by their panties?)

Three cute, perky women are filmed performing ridiculous stunts for our amusement, from “bride-boxing” to puking up gefilte fish. Their cast of hooligans differs wildly from Jackass’, since Jackass was legitimately comprised of freaks and geeks (except that Johnny Knoxville, * swoon! *) but the rad girls are just normal girls if you count being lift by a crane on your panties conventional. Sure there’s the potentially ethnic Munchie, and the unconventionally “pretty” Ramona, but they’re still all girls any guy would bring home. Puking and Stripping after the jump.

Here the cheeky threesome eat things until they hurl them back up. We must say, doing it in a sundress and heels adds a certain “je ne sais quoi” to the familiar Jackass prank.

And WHAT did we tell you about stripping??

This delightful video montage of pole dancing routines gone awry is our new favorite thing. It shows both amateurs and seasoned pros falling on their asses (or faces) and reinforces what we’ve always believed: Sexy dancing is the devil’s work!
No, JK, it reinforces our belief that while pole dancing might count as a good workout, it’s not for us normal folk. We mean sure, maybe we dreamed about running away to join Cirque du Soleil last year, but who among us truly thought we could ever cram ourselves into that spandex and place our toes on our forehead? So why do we delude ourselves that we can pole dance successfully?

If this madness is to be stopped, we think women have to band together and say “Sorry, Sugar-buns, I’m not hanging upside down in titty-tassels off a pole to improve my sex-life.”

On top of that, watching this video just makes us feel squeamish ’cause it’s a little too similar to those drunken club nights when we think we’re dancing like champions and then hey look we’re on the floor…

Here’s the video, in all its seedy glory:

Pole Dancing Blooper Montage [Maniacworld.com]

Bolivian President Evo Morales has something that most world leaders only dream about: a full head of luxuriant hair.

No seriously, he seems to have a majority of popular support, as evidenced by a recall vote taken yesterday, Sunday, which suggested he had between 56% and 63% popular approval. The official results will be released in a month, but the expected victory will help to bolster Morales’ confidence that he is still Bolivia’s first choice.

Hooray!

Prevén que Evo designe nuevos prefectos [Reforma]
Evo Morales claims win in Bolivia election [LA Times]

Brazilian artist Romero Britto was trendy in the late 80’s but never quite went away, and now he’s unleashed yet more colorful sculpture on an unsuspecting Miami.

His latest sculptures were recently unveiled at Miami’s “Grapeland” water-park, which actually makes sense since the park is mostly frequented by kids. What boggles our mind is that Britto is also wildly popular among art collectors, some of the more famous being Eileen Guggenheim and Michael Jackson. Describing his art is sort of like trying to describe what a 5-year-old’s acid trip would look like, so we’ll just show you:

Britto says of his art:

“I don’t want to bring negativity to my work. I only want to show the positive side of life, beautiful colors and shapes that can bring happiness to the people.”

Just like Jacko brings happiness to the little boys! It all makes sense now.

Honestly, how can you take this man seriously?! He claims that;

“I make images to inspire people, not to make them depressed and scared.”

But this is what he proposed as a uniform for Miami International Airport employees:

We’re pretty sure that shirt is the eighth sign of the apocalypse, and anyone who says it doesn’t make them want to hide under the bed clutching a pillow is a damn liar. In Britto’s defense, he’s pals with “CSI’s” David Caruso and singer Gloria Estefan, and we can’t think of anything bad to say about that.

Invaden Miami esculturas de Britto [Reforma]
In Miami, Art Without Angst [New York Times]

The U.S. government has pumped a lot of time and money into Colombia to make sure your hipstertastic loft party is free of coke (Devil’s dandruff, Colombian cornflakes, nose candy, snow, blow. Lunch.) and their efforts have proven pretty damn effective. So effective, in fact, that Colombian drug traffickers have begun to set up shop in Venezuela instead.

Hunting down drug traffickers in Venezuela, however, may prove a harder for U.S. then finding a needle in a big, beautiful, sparkling, nose-tingling mountain of cocaine. The Venezuelan government has been less than cooperative with the Drug Enforcement Association, due in no small part to President Hugo Chavez’s intense dislike of President Bush and his policies.

Washington has pumped billions of dollars into Colombia’s battle against narcotics trafficking, but the country hasn’t won such cooperation from Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez — a populist who is not a fan of the Bush administration.

Chavez frequently derides President Bush on his weekly broadcast. In a recent show, he called him a donkey.

Isn’t this like his 119th nickname for Bush? (Burro is definitely our favorite). We can see why Huey would want the control over all the blow. Why should Columbians have all the good stuff? Juanes. Shakira. Cocaine. Plus, can you imagine how much more insanely wonderful Chavez’s radio shows will be now?

Cocaine Finds a New Latin American Home [NPR.org]

This year marks the first time the elections will be held without Fidel’s influence taking center stage, due to the aging dictator’s deteriorating health and general super oldness. Nonetheless, the ideals of the Revolution remain alive and well within the hearts and minds of hopeful communists:

“We are young and fresh, the relievers, ready to guarantee that the Revolution continues,” said Jose Angel Garcia, 41, a carpenter who repairs doors and shutters of schools in dilapidated central Havana, Cuba’s most crowded district.

The Cuban government maintains its electoral system is among the most democratic in the world, as votes cannot be bought off. Then again, the same is true for bread, medicine and basic household appliances on the island. But who are we to quibble.

No campaigns, only one party in Cuban elections [Reuters]
Image [Google]