Riblet! Your first single. We! Are! Proud of you! Say, we are proud of you! David Archuleta’s first single, “Crush,” premiered this morning on New York Radio Station Z100 and the video cameras were there to capture every excruciating...

Our little lambchop David Archuleta decided to surprise all his Mormons while he is in Salt Lake City for the Idols Tour ‘08 by giving the weather report on the local Fox News affiliate this morning. Aww. He even...

In case you were wondering just how real David “I’ve never been kissed except in Gay Fan Fiction” Archuleta rolls, here’s a video of him speaking Spanish to a fan. And if you’re bilingually challenged here’s a translation: In...

Cook sits on the edge of Archuleta’s bed, his hands folded in his lap. He’s the word nerd. He’s the articulate one, the older one. So why is it that ever since they came back to their rooms after...

In a revealing “17 Questions” exposé in Seventeen Magazine this month we learn that David Archuleta may, in fact, be a prude. Go Mormons, go! 1. When was your first kiss? I haven’t had a first kiss. 2. Who’s...

Some blogger cracked the code to a private Photobucket site to reveal candid, real-life photographs of David Archuleta with family and friends that prove he really is as dorky and boring in person as he appears on television. I’m...

The National Enquirer is allegedly reporting (although we couldn’t find a link) that Lupe Archuleta, the Virgin mother of our Savior David Archuleta, threw a shitfit at the show last week when her little lambchop lost the American Idol...

Rickey.org, the site where Rickey Yaneza, a grown man in New York, obsessively follows David Archuleta around like some weirdo from the internet [Ed: What do you mean, “like”?] has just posted this charming photo of David Archuleta’s bodyguard...

It’s been seven hours and fifteen days since America took its love away from David Archuleta, deciding in a 12 million vote landslide that he is NOT their new American Idol. We spent most of yesterday crying out to...

Watching American Idol for the first time last night allowed us to discover a side of America that we find more disturbing than a John Waters film. Like this Guitar Hero spot that features our little mormon boy dancing...

How could America not elect the cutest chipmunk ever to grace the small screen as their next American Idol? Oh fuck it. We can’t pretend we care about this show anymore. All their voices sound like mediocrity. And now...

So last night the David-off happened on American Idol between David Archuleta and David Cook. And although we have to wait till tonight to find out officially who won, the judges pretty much gave it away when the put...

What’s up with David Archuleta’s mayor’s mustache, eh? Is he prospecting for gold out there in Utah? Last night when the producers of American Idol decided to show a clip from David’s homecoming party in Murray, Utah, America was...

It’s a David-off on American Idol as the contestants were whittled down last night to David Cook and Our Chuletito David Archuleta when the last female contestant Syesha Mercado was eliminated. This should come as a surprise to no...

Here’s David ChewableFlinstone’sVitamins singing Chris Brown’s “With You” to you, Lil’ Mama. Who thinks David’s going to win this whole shebang? Who fell asleep halfway through writing this post? Anyway, aw! Everything he does is so cute. Which is...

Jeff Archuleta, evil stage dad of our adorable little chuletito David Archuleta, has been banned from rehearsals, etc for American Idol. This could be the show’s attempt at a telenovela plot line to ensure record-breaking ratings during its final...

Someone went through all the trouble of screengrabbing a bunch of images of David Archuleta in his Ford Mustang bullfighting costume and then posting them on the internet. Which we think is really creepy, as he is a minor,...

American Idol is as American as fat people at Six Flags which is why Ford tapped them to participate in a TV spot that features four finalists, (including Our Chuleta), bullfighting a Mustang in front of a Spanish mission...

According to her publicist, Paula Abdul’s drunken buffoonery on “American Idol” was not a result of her being drunk. Even though she was drunk: Paula Abdul was not drunk at Tuesday night’s American Idol, despite a TMZ.com report that...

We had posted this as part of a Watchando but, honestly? It’s too wonderful not to merit its very own post. Paula Abdul is on something. Vodka? Vicodin? Venereal disease? Whatever it is, it is making he all sorts...

Carly Smithson, a recently-booted contestant on “American Idol,” might have been voted off not for lack of vocal talent, but specifically for her song choice. No, it wasn’t “Smell Yo Dick.” The offending song? “Jesus Christ Superstar:” Within hours...

Ever since we heard about the possibility of our little riblet David Archuleta not getting to attend his junior prom due to the rigorous American Idol rehearsal schedule, we’ve been lighting our Jesus-scented candles to La Virgen, praying that...

Teen scream! American Idol producers not only hold the fate of David Archuleta’s music career in their hands, they also have the power to stop him from attending his junior prom. Our Chuleta’s official Fan Blast has the report...

David Hernandez, the former stripper who was known as the “former stripper” on “American Idol” for stripping, formerly, had a chat with TMZ about his plans for the future. He mentioned he was trying out for a Broadway show...

Former “American Idol” contestant no one has thought of before or since, Blake Lewis, has announced he thinks current contestant David Archuleta is “boring.” The statement prompted much teeth gnashing and breast beating (and beat-boxing) along the congested streets...

As with every boy we’ve ever liked, we’re totally stalking David Archuleta so we can find out everything about him and casually mention we’re really into whatever interests him next time we see him. Through his bedroom window. And,...

A web page advertising American Idol lambchop David Archuleta’s so-called stage dad Jeff Archuleta’s services as an “experienced producer, consultant, vocal consultant, arranging, style and image development,” states that he has “spent the last 5 years working with American...

Rumors are circulating that David Archuleta’s dad Jeff is an evil stage father. According to ET, there may have been more than nerves at play during David’s unfortunate inability to work it out during “We Can Work It Out”...

A nation stands in shock today after witnessing their idol—indeed America’s idol—David Archuleta fall far from his pedestal last night when the words to his chosen Beatles song, “We Can Work It Out” left his pretty little brain. David!...

A poor man’s Flight Of the Conchords duo called Rhett & Link have written an amusing melody to accompany the goodbye speech of one American Idol Season 7 reject named Alexis Cohen—who kind of scares the shit out of...

How did we miss this Tuesday? Oh yes, we never actually watch American Idol. When our little chuleta, David Archuleta, performed “Another Day In Paradise,” the homeless anthem by philosopher and bald Phil Collins, Simon Cowell criticized him saying...

Some random website is claiming there’s a rumor that Danny Noriega and David Hernandez from American Idol—the two gays on record—are having an affair. We suspect the “rumor” was started by them. If it is true, though, we must...

Not only that, but he used to sing Billy Joel songs in some sort of barbershop quartet called, The Vinyl Four. And not “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant” Billy Joel. Oh no. We’re talking Christie Brinkley-era, “For The Longest...

Having “Danny Noriega” and “taint” in such close proximity in that title make us really want to shower. In anthrax. We’re still at a loss for why Jessica Alba would sing “Tainted Love” while wearing the entire Hot Topic...

Former stripper and current crush David Hernandez is going to stay on “American Idol” until he’s eventually voted off and finds himself starring in Skinemax movies about gardeners or mechanics of pizza delivery guys who have a strange aversion...

For a stripper, “American Idol” contestant David Hernandez seems to be wearing a whole lot clothes in these pictures, taken when he used to work at a gay cabaret. This is altogether too much clothing, D. Especially those whiskered...

It has been confirmed that “American Idol” contestant David Hernandez is, indeed, a former stripper: The 24-year-old finalist from Glendale, Ariz., once worked as a stripper at Dick’s Cabaret [Ed. note: Not Johnson’s Burlesque? Wang’s Lounge? Penis Palace?], appearing...

David Archuleta, little chuleta of sweetness that he is, shed a few tears when fellow contestant Alexandrea Lushington [Ed. note: “Lex Lushington” would be the. Best. Porn name. Ever.] got the ol’ heave-ho (so to speak): “American Idol” frontrunner...

“American Idol” is pretty much a festering, simmering slop of pop culture references and post-modern trainwreck-reality-TV-disguised-as-a-talent-search, served with a dash of garlic salt, so we think it’s pretty apt that “The Soup” should deem it fit to cover. They...

Like the crying baby soothed by the dulcet tones of David Archuleta in the above video, a Canadian journalist wrapping up last week’s American Idol in The Vancouver Province is equally entranced: Looks like American Idol has found its...

We’ll just go ahead and dedicate the rest of this Wednesday to David Archuleta. Soul is alive and well in Utah. Did you know? And it’s 97.3% thanks to David, our own soulful little Wayne Newton mini-me. In this...

Some people, who are possibly blind or wear special helmets, think “American Idol” contestant David Archuleta looks like “High School Musical” star and Vanessa-Hudgens-posing-partner Zac Efron. Well frost our tips and call us Twinkle-toes, but we’re going to go...

Jessica-Alba-in-drag and “American Idol” contestant, Danny Noriega, has pretty much the best hair and finest taste in cardigans on the planet. Too bad he totally butchers The Carpenters’ “Superstar” by adding about seven more syllables to each word than...

(Was that title pedo-ish? Whatevs.) David Archuleta, the 16 year old “American Idol” contestant who might actually get us to care about this show, sings for Season 1’s contestants and is so damn good that Kelly Clarkson sees it...

Have you seen little sixteen year-old American Idol wannabe David Archuleta from Utah? Rarely has a contestant so uniformly charmed the judges! Even the really angry white one. Could it be those long eyelashes? His tale of overcoming vocal...

Spain has introduced a new “American Idol”-style show featuring immigrants: TVE officials Tuesday announced their programme ‘Hijos de Babel’ (Children of Babel), which will feature artistes from different countries and musical tradition. ‘The idea is to provide an opportunity...

Former “American Idol” finalist Jessica Sierra, who nearly ran mouth-first into a spot of trouble recently, is the one of the latest stars people to have a sex video. TMZ tells us how to feel: Here’s one of the...

2005 American Idol finalist Jessica Sierra was arrested outside a Tampa bar after acting like a straight-up drunken fool: Sierra, who ended up being hit with several charges, including cocaine possession, battery, and disorderly intoxication, became really entertaining when...