Have a free evening this week? We were being polite. Of course you do. We suggest filling that evening by watching a new musical horror / sci-fi / comedy out in selected theaters. Repo! The Genetic Opera tells the...

Here’s Suri Cruise talking to a baby doll and OMG CAN WE HAVE HER???? [dlisted] Christina Aguilera’s new perfume ad was Photoshopped by blind unicorns on acid. [ONTD] Donnie Wahlberg is divorcing his wife of 9 years. This is...

Annoying sock puppet Tila Tequila has decided to name her new album I Have Teretts. No, babygirl, you’re just an eggomaniak. [Celebrifi] Singer Jewel got married to some man in a hat. He was Meant For Her, you see....

It’s true. The public only cares about beautiful people. A political reality since at least the Kennedy-Nixon race when the first televised debates occurred. Which is basically why Barack Obama is captivating the world and old, fossilized McCain is,...

Jamie-Lynn Spears gave birth to a female troll-thing or something. She named it “Maddie Briann” because multiple consonants are fancy, like Paris and shit. [National Enquirer] A pet shop barred Paris Hilton from buying a Yorkie because they felt...

Those Dove ads featuring “real” chubby lesbians or whatever might have been retouched to leave out some offending realness. [The New Yorker] Paris Hilton believes neglecting her pets is good practice for the children she would eventually like to...

Paris Hilton is now a skinnier version of Paris Hilton, looks more like a Penis Hilton. [The Sun] Uma Thurman’s alleged stalker is so emo. [NY Times] Britney Spears various wigs, Walgreens visits and Classic statues carved of Cheez...

Emma Watson’s twatson was on display as she left her 18th birthday party. [dlisted] Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are planning a double wedding because they live in a “Sweet Valley High” paperback. [Showbiz Spy] Elizabeth Taylor looks like...

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt might get their own “Newlyweds”-type reality series on MTV. We can’t wait to see what Heidi is going to wear on “Divorce Court.” [Page Six] Speaking of boring newlyweds, Beyonce and Jay-Z recently got...

Eva Longoria is posing for BeBe again. Still looking like a wet chihuahua. [A Socialite’s Life] Paris Hilton has apologized for saying Kim Kardashian’s ass looks like “cottage cheese in a trash bag.” Better than a half-gnawed stick of...

Ricky Martin is against human trafficking. Right up against it. [dlisted] Sean Penn is firmly implanted within Hugo Chavez’s ass, as one reporter discovers. [FOXNews] Amy Winehouse is in talks to promote tiger-print enthusiast Roberto Cavalli. Enabling is in...

Have you ever experience “pena ajena?” You know, when you feel so humiliated by someone else’s actions that you were only able to watch them through your fingers while screaming, “No! No!” Because that’s exactly what we felt whilst...

Everyone’s favorite vacuous heirhead, Paris Hilton, is starring in a new reality TV series aimed at helping her find a new best friend to make her look skinnier in comparison, especially now that Nicole Richie is pooping out babies...

Producers behind the Broadway show “Chicago”, obviously thinking the apocalypse should just hurry up and get here already, have asked Paris Hilton to join their production. This comes on the heels of the news that her former “Simple Life”...

Desperate actress Eva Longoria lends her shrill, obnoxious voice to Hilary Clinton’s campaign. [I’m Not Obsessed] So it turns out the “Shaman” who blessed Paris Hilton in public is actually an actor whose body of work includes Mutant Vampire...

Paris Hilton is deep, wide. [A Socialite’s Life] Britney Spears has dumped her boyfriend / maybe-husband. And here we thought quickie weddings in Mexico lasted forever. Or at least three months. [Hollywood Rag] Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard thinks 9/11...

Fergie might move up her wedding because she’s pregnant and doesn’t want that big, gross, nasty, misshapen bump to become conspicuous. We say: Just wear a veil? [Page Six] Jessica Alba is keeping the sex of her unborn child...

TMZ calls Ricky Martin fat, makes a “Bon-Bon” pun so we don’t have to. [TMZ] Lindsay Down-Lohan has split up with her girlfriend. Yeah, she’s totally less interesting when she’s sober. Or when we are. [Celebitchy] Paris Hilton leaves...

• Paris Hilton fakes a Spanish accent on her home intercom to get rid of trespassing fans. “Whoever it was sounded Mexican,” a fan reported. “Is that rude? I mean, Hispanic.” Maybe it was Tinkerbell. [TMZ] • Everybody’s doing...

A reporter from Univisión gossip show “El Gordo Y La Flaca” (which, by the way, is like calling Mary Hart from “Entertainment Tonight” a legit anchor lady) recently showed Noelia a valid wedding certificate confirming her current marriage to...

Over the weekend, that bastion of journalistic integrity known as the New York Times and über-exposed gossip blogger Perez Hilton were just sitting in a tree. (We’ll let the darkest part of your imagination run wild with the second...

Due to a late-summer denouement in Latino celebrity news (i.e., Noelia’s chocha and Thalía’s impregnation are entertaining for only so long), People En Español has released its best and worst dressed list of 2007. The best dressed half of...

While Latinos are striving to be Whiter, it seems these days White people are striving to be more ghetto. So says the Los Angeles Times, anyway, in a searing expose entitled, “The lost generation’s race to the bottom.” There...

This just in: some video footage of Paris Hilton smoking out in a cafe in Amsterdam that will make YOU feel high. Also, God is very queeny sounding. We’d rather be in London, too....

• Latin alternative hot dog toppings. We bet if you Google those words, you’ll get a whole other thing. [Nueva York] • Everyone’s at the beach and we hate them. [New York Magazine] • What better time to buy...

We never talk about she whose name shall not be uttered (mainly cuz she’s not Latin, but whatevs, we still appear respectable), but MSNBC producers try to make their anchors lead the news with stories of Paris Hilton. Even...