Gina Gershon threatened to make Showgirls The Musical [Fanfare] A turtle got laid. [Tiempos Del Mundo] Plans to erect Jose Alfredo Jimenez were made. [Tiempos Del Mundo] A man molested a piñata. [YouTube] 50 Cent revealed he’s suing Taco...

British authors confess to never reading certain classic works of literature like Ulysses, Wuthering Heights and A La Recherche du Temps Perdu. Adorable British authors: They’re just like us! [Telegraph] A new wax statue of Amy Winehouse has been...

Reality TV star Omarosa went on Wendy Williams’ new talk show and the two discussed —- and reinforced? — stereotypes. Is it possible to be both proud of and profoundly embarrassed by these women? The Dark Knight’s Christian Bale...

The Dark Knight made more money in one showing than anyone will ever donate to the starving children in Africa. Congratulations, Heath Ledger! [E!] Americans squeezed out more puppies in the past year than ever before, and yet, we’re...

Nestor Carbonell plays the Latino mayor of Gotham City in The Dark Knight. God, what we’d give to be his Latina intern. [IMDB] Jennifer Garner is pregnant again! She’s giving birth to a gigantic yawn. [Us Weekly] Britney Spears...

Pope Benedict XVI paid a visit to Australia, much to the chagrin of one baby koala. [El Periodico] Watch this run-down of some of the best vocal performances by actors in movies. And then resume singing in front of...

Actress Hayden Panettiere’s new song, “Wake Up Call” is about 45% reggae, 55% totally boring. Also, “I think I’m going to have to cheat to keep your eye on me?” Healthy. LA store Kitson is dropping “The Hills” star...

Jennifer Lopez’s twins never wear the same clothes twice because when she forgets to feed them, they have to eat something. [Showbiz Spy] Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have turned down several offers for first pictures of their baby,...

Baby Valentina shopped with mom Salma Hayek and family in Malibu. Because she needed to pick up some hot new shoes. [dlisted] In a story that is entirely real and not at all made up, Jay-Z demanded a watermelon...

Christina Aguilera would like you to vote right after you listen to her turn one note into seventy-five while holding some sort of smallish troll-thing. Antonio Banderas might be returning to Broadway in “Don Giovanni.” Just stay away from...

Media mogul Nduka Obaigbena is going to save Nigeria by partying with celebrities. Well, that certainly worked for Darfur. [NYT] Tony Romo serenaded Jessica Simpson on her birthday. Let’s leave the singing to the professionals, kids. Like Ashlee Simpson....

Jamie-Lynn Spears rocks the post-menopausal look as she debuts baby Maddie on the cover of OK! [OK!] Actress and model turned reality TV trainwreck, Brigitte Nielsen, had a boob job live on German TV. Seems about right. [Daily Mail]...

Eva Longoria is on fire. Hydrant. [Magamba] Eva Mendes thinks Interview magazine’s jokes about rehab were tacky because Eva Mendes is a fast, furious arbiter of taste and class. [Us] Samantha Ronson gave Lindsay Lohan a Cartier ring for...

A new tell-all by Madonna’s brother claims the “singer” once kissed actress Gwyneth Paltrow. This is a woman who has willingly put her face near Sean Penn’s mouth; a little faux-lesbian making out is nothing. [The Sun] In other...

Cristiano Ronaldo has a certain appendage he’d really like to show the paparazzi. [Machochip] Domestic diva Rachael Ray is apparently EVOMG so difficult to work with when it comes to putting together her memoirs. [E!] Kylie Minogue promises she...

There’s going to be an “Arrested Development” movie. This better not be a trick because, as everyone knows, “a trick is something a whore does for money.” - Gob [Hollywood Insider] Junot Diaz loves “Grand Theft Auto,” killing whores,...

Amy Winehouse may be a crack-addled, sore-riddled drunken bag of bones, but at least she’s not opening for a “cunt like Kanye.” [dlisted] Madonna’s mother-in-law says Madonna and Guy Ritchie are definitely not getting a divorce, because mother-in-laws always...

“Britain’s Missing Model” is new reality show in the UK that features models with missing limbs and disabilities competing for a contract. “Missing” refers to the contestants’ frontal lobes, we presume. [NY Daily News] Mario Lopez doesn’t shave his...

“Mini-Me” Verne Troyer has a sex tape. Don’t worry; it’s really short. [TMZ] Hulk Hogan stopped by his daughter’s “Maxim” shoot, just to make sure she didn’t show too much skin. Without him being there to watch. [FOX News]...

Someone give Kanye West his fucking bottle and send him to bed. [Kanye’s Blog] Is Colin Farrell the father of Minnie Driver’s… Zzzz. [Celebitchy] Michael Jackson is teaming up with Christian Audigier to design a clothing line for Kitson....

Heidi Montag likes fashion, if fashion means imitating the plaintive wails of a cat in heat. [A Socialite’s Life] Oh, and Heidi and Spencer Pratt are planning to become the next “Posh and Becks.” Irrelevant and shiny? [Extra] Michelle...

Jessica Simpson’s father did not fit her for her first training bra. It was, like. Her second or third. [K-Frog] Now Amy Winehouse’s father is saying she doesn’t have tuberculosis, but emphysema. Show off. [Daily Mail] “How I Met...

Amy Winehouse may have tuberculosis. She may also have chlamydia, leprosy and feline AIDS. [The Sun] Miley Cyrus has lots of fans in prison. Jealous? [Hollyscoop] Katie Holmes got Nicole Kidman a nice gift basket for her pregnancy, unaware...

Jamie-Lynn Spears gave birth to a female troll-thing or something. She named it “Maddie Briann” because multiple consonants are fancy, like Paris and shit. [National Enquirer] A pet shop barred Paris Hilton from buying a Yorkie because they felt...

Michelle Obama shops at Target, just like bitter middle class Americans. [Us Weekly] Matthew McConaughey may or may not have cheated on his pregnant girlfriend, Camila Alves, in Nicaragua, but he definitely lost a flip-flop. And cheated on his...

Gawker is asking you to come up with a new racial slur for white folks. We were going to submit “tasty fetish object riding a tractor in overalls and nothing else, calling us a ‘Mama’ in a Southern drawl...

Concert-goers at Bonnaroo chanted “Kanye sucks” when he performed over two hours late. But that just isn’t true. Kanye doesn’t suck; he’s all hand and spit. [HuffPo] You know how Scarlett Johansson was omg so lyk super psyched that...

Lying virgin Adriana Lima is engaged to basketball player Marko Jaric. Shit, child. You can’t power vault without learning how to jump. [People] Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are back together. Because love, unlike Valtrex, conquers all. [Rolling Stone]...

You can thank Tila Tequila for California’s decision to drop its ban on gay marriage. Or you can throw a drink in her face for being such a delusional turd. [Us Weekly] Eva Longoria-Parker isn’t pregnant, just super fucking...

Hulk Hogan talked to Larry King about how terrible and whiny his incarcerated son is. Or how great and noble? We’re not sure. Mariah Carey proves that just because you weren’t invited to someone’s wedding, does not mean you...

One fourth of New York residents have herpes. Honey. [WCBS] Maybe if Patricia Fields had dressed Hillary Clinton in a tutu and roller skates, she’d still be in the race. [NYT] Jennifer Lopez is coming out with a line...

A fried egg, bacon, sausage and donut sandwich? Yes. Now. [Food Network] Robert Downey Jr. credits Burger King with saving his life. Is there anything a charbroiled hunk of meat can’t do? [Contact Music] Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...

Mary-Kate Olsen fell all of two feet to the ground on her drunken behind. Christian gyms? Don’t sound Kosher. [NYT] Nick Hogan has been moved out of solitary confinement and into a cell with three other perfectly nice young...

All of Tyra Banks’ patented smiles look kind of like our “Holding In A Fart At An Office Party Smile.” Eva Mendes partied with Calvin Klein in Heath Ledger’s former building until they were kicked out by the landlord....

Lily Allen blah-blah-blahgged about acting a straight up drunken fool at the “Glamour Awards.” [Lily’s MySpace] That said, we would make a baby with her dress. Present? [AOL] Johnny Depp has invited Lindsay Lohan to “Fuck Off Island.” Honey,...

Eva Longoria looks like she just got a little whiff of Eva Longoria. [dlisted] Finding love is not all it’s cracked up to be, Pete Doherty buys a portrait of ex-girlfriend Kate Moss. [The Sun] That whole hullaballoo about...

Kurt Cobain’s ashes, which widow Courtney Love kept in a pink, teddy bear-shaped purse after she killed him, have gone missing. [Javno] Actress Tatum O’Neal was arrested after bags of crack were found in her home. Her excuse? She...

Eva Mendes will be representing Calvin Klein at the CFDA Awards gala. It’s nice that they’re giving plus-size models some attention. [Fashion Week Daily] Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal are getting married, which would be totally exciting if this...

Ashlee Wentz-Simpson is officially pregnant. With a baby, not a taco fart. [Friends or Enemies] Jose Luis Gonzalez of “Jose Luis Sin Censura” is the Hot Slut of the Day. [dlisted] Bill Murray’s estranged wife is accusing him of...

Some poor girl is going around Houston pretending to be Kim Kardashian. What an ass. [Kim’s Blog] Jessica Simpson’s new country single adds “country music” to the list of things Jessica Simpson can’t do. [Us Weekly] A 14-year-old boy...

Vogue editor Anna Wintour was reportedly “miserable” at Karl Lagerfeld’s Cruise Collection Show in Miami because Miami is a festering pit of eternally burning hellfire. [Page Six] Speaking of Miami, Celine Dion’s home there uses about a bajillion gallons...

A Starbucks barista tried to fatten up the Olsen twins by making their skim lattes with whole milk. How dairy she! Haha. Shut up. [A Socialite’s Life] Jodie Foster cheated on her girlfriend of 14 years with screenwriter Cindy...

Pete Wentz’s bulldog, Hemingway, acted as ringbearer for his wedding and is now on suicide watch. [dlisted] Salma Hayek will touch your penis with her eyes. [A Socialite’s Life] Some tickets for the Sex and the City movie are...

The newest “America’s Next Top Model” winner is like the least fat fat person ever. Here she is looking like a psychotic murderer for Seventeen. [Mollygood] Jude Law sucked on Kim Stewart’s tonsils at Cannes. Guess he thinks she’s...

Mariah Carey might have a second wedding. Because her first one didn’t include a flying purple unicorn. [The Scoop] Any Winehouse got roses for her first wedding anniversary. Made of crack. [dlisted] Jessica Simpson looked “subdued” during sister Ashlee’s...

On the heels of news that California has allowed same-sex marriage, Ellen announced she and Portie de Rossi are getting married. They’re registered at Crate & Barrel. We call dibs on the natural raffia placemats. [TMZ] Lindsay Lohan’s mom...

Some girl that weighs more than a toddler stole Anna Nicole Smith’s face to win this season’s “America’s Next Top Model.” [Jezebel] …But some suspect it’s all a conspiracy and that her win was staged from the beginning. [FourFour]...

A live-action version of “Fraggle Rock?” Been done. See: Next item. [NY Observer] Here’s your first look at the new cast of Gossip Girl The O.C. ThunderCats “Beverly Hills 90210.” [SOW] Are people telling Michael Lohan that Sam Ronson...

“Real World: Brooklyn?” Why is everything about New York dead-set on forcing us to move to Hoboken? [NY Observer] More Beyonce pregnancy rumors! Because she’s fat and married, apparently. [Page Six] Rapper Remy Ma’s jailhouse wedding was postponed when...

Robyn’s new single “Konichiwa Bitches” annoys us worse than leotard chafe and we’ll share why. 1) We hate the term “bitches,” 2) this sounds exactly like Missy Elliot’s “Work It” and 3) Robyn mentions Hong Kong, Saigon and Beijing...